


Can't Wish Away My Feelings

by CaptainMarvel42



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drinking, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Lack of Communication, Loss of Virginity, No Pregnancy, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Poor Life Choices, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey (Star Wars) Has Issues, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25022215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainMarvel42/pseuds/CaptainMarvel42
Summary: "I am not joining your pathetic Resistance," Kylo said.Rey's eyebrows quirked up. "How about a temporary truce then?""A truce?" he asked, feeling uneasy."We work together to escape the First Order and then we go our separate ways," she said.(Or: a post-TLJ fix-it fic that looks at what would have happened if Rey took an unconcious Kylo Ren with her at the end of the movie.)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 173
Kudos: 486





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I joined this fandom after TROS, so I never got to write a post-TLJ fic. This idea wouldn't leave me, so I had to write it. I hope you enjoy it!

Rey startled awake. Her head was pounding and her body ached all over. She opened her eyes and saw the throne room of the _Supremacy_ was in disarray. The first thing she did was look for Ben – no, he was Kylo Ren not Ben she had to remind herself. _Kylo_ was across the room from her and unconscious. She felt a twinge of worry that she tried to push down. 

She reached out with the Force for both lightsabers. His lightsaber arrived first, and she felt its unstable power pulsing outwards. She attached it to her belt. Her lightsaber arrived next. She was disappointed to find that it was in pieces. There was nothing around that she could use to carry the pieces, so she improvised; she wrapped them in the loose fabric of her outfit and tucked them beneath her belt, hoping it would hold. 

They must have broken the lightsaber when they fought over it. That's what knocked them both out. _How long have I been unconscious?_ she asked herself.

She looked around at the damage in the room and wondered if they caused it all or if something else happened. An alarm was ringing in the distance, so something else _must_ have happened. She hoped the Resistance still survived, and that maybe they found a way to cause some chaos for the First Order. The thought of them being wiped out was nauseating. 

No one had entered the throne room, which she took to be a good sign, but she didn't know how long that would last. Something was happening. She needed to get out of here.

Rey hesitated.

She ran over to Kylo and knelt beside him to check his breathing. She was relieved to see the rise and fall of his chest and feel his breath against her face. She was still so angry with him, so disappointed that he hadn't listened, but the idea of leaving him alone and defenseless didn't sit right. He needed a weapon. She went to unhook his lightsaber from her belt, but then her hand stilled.

_What if someone finds him before he wakes up?_ The thought sent a chill down Rey's spine.

She worried that Kylo would be blamed for Snoke's death, which seemed likely because he _was_ the one who killed him. As confident as he seemed about taking power, she doubted that high ranking members of the First Order would automatically give him control of the First Order. He was powerful enough in the Force to _make_ them answer to him, but he looked vulnerable while unconscious. It would be so easy for someone to kill him.

A terrible idea formed in her mind.

◇◇◇

Kylo was too heavy for her to lift on her own, so she used the Force. It took all of her concentration to keep him floating in front of her.

_Lifting rocks_ , she thought, _it's just like lifting rocks_. 

◇◇◇

Rey was fortunate to make it to Chewie and the _Falcon_ with minimal disruption. All of the disorder throughout the _Supremacy_ had worked in her favour. 

Chewie hadn't been pleased to see her Force carrying an unconscious Kylo Ren. He was even _less_ pleased when she told him the abridged version of what happened. Still, he let them both on board and told Rey that he trusted that she would keep him from destroying the _Falcon._ Chewie had more faith in her than she did.

◇◇◇

Consciousness returned to him slowly. Kylo felt like he got into a fight with a bantha and lost. He blinked and saw the familiar crew quarters of the _Falcon_. _This is a strange dream_ , he thought. It had been years since he last dreamed about the _Falcon_.

He tried to sit up and heard the familiar sound of a lightsaber igniting. He opened his eyes wide and saw Rey across from him with _his_ lightsaber. She looked beautiful illuminated in its red glow. It wasn't the first time someone held a lightsaber over him while he laid in bed. At least she hadn't ignited it until she knew he was awake. He felt a sudden fury overtake him.

"What do you think you are doing?" he shouted, wincing at the volume of his own voice. His head was throbbing.

"We were both knocked out. When I woke up the _Supremacy_ was falling apart and you were unconscious." she said. He thought he saw colour rising in her cheeks, but it was hard to tell with the flickering of the lightsaber.

"So you took me with you?" he asked, incredulous. 

"I couldn't leave you there," she said, letting out an aggravated sigh.

She didn't have the right to be annoyed with him. She wasn't the one with a lightsaber being pointed at her. "Yes, you could have! It would have been easier for both of us." He sat up straighter, not wanting to look defenseless. "So what's your plan? Take me prisoner and turn me over to the Resistance? You know they'll never be able to hold me." While he was confident that was true, he didn't want to risk it. The longer he was away from the First Order, the more precarious his situation became. He imagined the smug look that would be on Hux's face when he realized he was gone – he tried not to imagine what Hux would say if he realized he was taken against his will.

"Maybe not," she allowed, her eyes narrowing, "but it's not like I had time to–"

She was cut off by a loud screech coming from the ship's comm system. It was followed by a voice speaking. He couldn't make out the words, but he heard Chewbacca's surprised roar. At the sound of Chewbacca's voice, Kylo flinched.

"I need to find out what's happening," she said, biting her bottom lip. She looked between him and the door. "Come with me, and don't try anything." She emphasized her point by gesturing at him with _his_ lightsaber as she spoke.

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine," he said, putting his hands up in what he thought would be a calming gesture, but her eyes narrowed in response.

She motioned for him to lead the way.

He tried to suppress his memories of the familiar corridors as they walked to the cockpit. His eyes kept lingering on familiar objects, like the game table he sat at for countless hours watching his dad and Chewie play. The same table where his dad patiently taught him to–

No, he suppressed that thought and tried to ignore the hollow ache he felt in his chest. The past had to die.

As they got closer, the voice got louder, but he still couldn't make out the words. It sounded strangely familiar.

He heard snatches of what was being broadcast. _"Rebel scum will–"_

_Hux._

Of _course_ it was Hux. He would know that irritating voice anywhere.

_"Surrender or face the full might of the First Order!"_

He looked back at Rey and saw her nose scrunched with confusion in a way that was endearing. He shrugged and they shared a moment of confusion with one another. He stiffened. She was pointing a lightsaber at him, and she had _abducted_ him. He reminded himself that he was angry at her. He wouldn't allow himself to be distracted by her.

He turned around and walked into the cockpit. Chewbacca barely spared him a glance. He was too busy staring at the holovid of Hux who was shaking with anger.

_"The bounty for the traitor will be doubled if you provide proof that he suffered before he died! He is dangerous and unstable."_

Hux played a video. He saw himself in a familiar elevator, and oh, this was the moment he destroyed his mask. He did look a bit unhinged.

Hux paused the video at a particularly unflattering moment – his face was twisted into a snarl – but he was definitely recognizable. He felt himself flush.

He made eye contact with Rey and she raised her eyebrows at him. He looked away because he didn't need her _judgement_.

Hux continued. _"This is the madman who killed our Supreme Leader!"_ The man looked positively _gleeful_ as he called him a madman. _"Whoever kills Kylo Ren will be offered a position of great honour in addition to our generous bounty! No one can withstand the might of the First Order!"_

The holovid cut out.

Rey broke the uncomfortable silence. "It looks like you aren't going back to the First Order after all." She sounded smug.

In his anger he took a step towards her, uncaring about the lightsaber singeing his tunic. He was yanked back by Chewbacca who squeezed his arm so tightly that he knew there would be bruises.

"You won't try that again," Rey said. Her voice was steady, but there was an undercurrent of irritation.

"How are you going to stop me?"

"If you try it again, we will throw you out the airlock."

Chewbacca growled his agreement in a way that gave Kylo the impression that he didn't want to wait for him to try something.

"Fine," Kylo spat out. 

"You can let go of him," Rey said to Chewbacca. "He's got nowhere to go and he's not stupid enough to test our patience." She stared at Kylo like she was daring him to prove her wrong. Then she did something unexpected. She disengaged his lightsaber and attached it to her belt. 

He wondered why she was using his lightsaber. He wondered if she was trying to rub his predicament in his face, but when he looked at her belt he didn't see her lightsaber attached. _Where was it?_ he asked himself.

"I'm not going to let you take me to the Resistance to be a prisoner." He internally cringed at how petulant he sounded.

She huffed. "You could join us. Then we wouldn't need to hold you prisoner."

"I'll never join the Resistance."

"We have a mutual enemy–"

"And whose fault is that?" he asked, raising his voice.

"Please," she said, crossing her arms. "I likely saved your life by taking you with me. If anything, you should be _thanking_ me."

" _Thanking_ you?" he sputtered.

"We should be working together."

"I am not joining your pathetic Resistance," Kylo said.

Rey's eyebrows quirked up. "How about a temporary truce then?"

"A truce?" he asked, feeling uneasy.

"We work together to escape the First Order and then we go our separate ways," she said.

He hated to admit it, but she had a point. It wasn't like he had many options. "You won't change your mind and hold me prisoner once we get away?"

"You have my word," she said, putting her hand out.

He stared at it.

She waved her hand. "Well…"

"Fine. A truce," he said. He took his hand in hers to shake on it. He felt a jolt at the contact. Her hand was so warm. The skin was a bit rough from her years scavenging, but it was still soft to his touch.

He didn't let go.

Neither did she.

He found himself caressing her hand with his thumb. He heard a hitch in her breath. 

Abruptly, she tore her hand away from his and looked away, her cheeks reddening. 

He felt his own face heat up. Chewbacca was staring at him, so he glared back at him until he looked away. Chewbacca's shoulders were shaking in what appeared to be silent laughter.

Ben sat down in one of the passenger seats and crossed his arms.

Rey sat down next to him.

He looked between her and the co-pilot's seat in front of him. 

"I'm not turning my back on you," Rey said stiffly.

He wouldn't turn his back on her either if he could help it.

◇◇◇

Rey was splitting her attention between the viewfinder – looking for any signs of the Resistance – and Kylo. He has been mostly silent since they sat down. The silence left her uneasy. She could tell he was thinking, and she doubted any of his ideas would be good for her or the Resistance.

He was such a frustrating man. Why couldn't he see that they should be working together – that their interests aligned? He had killed Snoke, destabilizing the First Order. This was their chance to finally beat them. Together they could– 

"We should get out of here," he said, his deep voice interrupting her thoughts.

"That's what we're _trying_ to do."

"No, you're looking for the Resistance."

He was so _stubborn_. "We're not leaving without them," she said.

"It's not worth the risk."

"There's still the airlock." She gestured at the viewfinder. 

Kylo opened his mouth as if to respond, but then closed it like he thought better of it. He was staring outside. While they were no longer in space, they were still pretty far above the ground. She wondered if he was calculating his odds of making the landing. That was only part of his problem though. There was nothing but salt out there. The _Falcon_ was his only way off this planet and she was sure he knew it. 

She felt his eyes glancing at her repeatedly. She pretended she didn't notice, trying to ignore the fact that she was doing the same thing. Their eyes met and she quickly looked away. Her face heated up. She had every reason to keep her eyes on him. She didn't trust that he wouldn't do something stupid and impulsive, and then they would _need_ to throw him off the _Falcon_.

She didn't acknowledge why that thought bothered her so much.

◇◇◇

Rey tried to keep herself from laughing. A porg was chewing on Kylo's boot. At first he tried to kick it away, but the creature was persistent. It had looked up at Kylo with big sad eyes and he had sighed and just allowed the creature to keep chewing his boot. It was amusing to see how resigned he looked.

Chewie's roar grabbed her attention. He motioned to where these skinny and crystalline dog-like creatures were going. 

They had found the Resistance. "I see them, Chewie!"

She moved to the co-pilot's seat and helped Chewie land, looking back at Kylo frequently. When they landed, she grabbed Kylo's arm and dragged him with her as she ran out of the Falcon. Chewie followed behind them.

Once outside, she looked over the huge pile of rocks that were between the Resistance and their escape. "Lifting rocks," she muttered under her breath. 

"What?" Kylo asked. 

She realized that she was still holding his arm, so she let go and said, "We need to get them out of there. Are you going to help?"

"I don't see why I should help them," he said. _Was he_ _pouting_?

"The longer it takes, the more likely we are to be found. If the First Order finds us, it will be your fault you stubborn ass!" she yelled at him.

"Then you should stop arguing and get to it," he said calmly, which infuriated her. 

But he had a point. 

"Besides," he continued, "I'm sure you're capable of moving some rocks on your own."

_Was that a compliment?_

She remembered how she carried him on the _Supremacy_ with the Force and she did the same thing with the rocks. It was almost easy to float them in the air. She looked at Kylo and saw what looked like awe on his face.

◇◇◇

"Rey!" Finn shouted, running over to her. They embraced. She was so relieved to see that he was still alive.

"You!" a man yelled.

Finn let go of her and looked back at the man, "Poe, what is it?"

Poe took out his blaster and pointed it at Kylo. The rest of the Resistance followed suit. " _Kylo Ren,_ " he said.

Finn got his blaster out and turned to Kylo. "What is he doing here?" Finn asked.

"We have a truce," Rey said. Finn gave her a betrayed look. "He killed Snoke," she continued.

"We know," Poe said. "We all saw Hux's little video. That doesn't explain why he's here." All his attention was on Kylo.

"I told you that we should have left without them," Kylo said to her, whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear him.

She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. She knew his silence had been too good to be true. "You're not helping."

"Are you all going to waste time shooting at me?" Kylo asked. "I can stop your blaster bolts from hitting me." He looked smug.

"You want to test that?" Finn asked.

"We don't have time for this," Rey said. She stepped in front of Kylo and put her hands up. "Let's talk about this on the _Falcon_."

Poe looked like he was going to object, but Leia interrupted him. "Rey's right. We need to get out of here."

"Mom," Kylo said in a soft voice. "You're _alive_." His eyes were wide.

Voices spoke all at once.

"Did he say _mom_?"

"What does that–"

"He's _crazy_."

Leia raised her hands in a calming manner. Everyone got quiet.

"I didn't take the shot," Kylo said in a rush. "I couldn't–"

"We'll talk about this later," Leia said in a sharp voice. "Let's get on the _Falcon._ " She took a deep breath. "And stop pointing blasters at my son." She walked towards the _Falcon's_ ramp, looked back at the stunned crowd, and gestured for everyone to follow. 

As if coming out of a daze, the Resistance started to follow. Rey noticed that while not all of them were pointing blasters at Kylo, they were still holding onto them tightly. 

Kylo looked frozen. He hadn't moved from where he had stood while he stared at his mom. Rey grabbed his arm again. 

He shrugged her off, but started walking in step with her.

◇◇◇

On the _Falcon_ there was a bustle of activity. Someone must have joined Chewie in the cockpit because they took off as soon as the ramp closed. 

Finn and a couple other Resistance members she didn't recognize were helping an injured woman.

"Is this everyone?" Rey asked, stunned by the scale of their losses. 

"It is," Leia answered. She was looking at Kylo.

He was looking anywhere but at Leia. He might have been assessing how many blasters were still pointed in his direction.

"You said you have a truce?" Leia asked Rey, still staring at her son. "What are the terms?"

"We escape the First Order together and then we go our separate ways," Rey told Leia.

Leia raised her eyebrows. "That's it?"

Rey shifted uncomfortably. " _Someone_ doesn't think we need to work together."

"I can take care of Hux on my own," Kylo said, scoffing. "A few dozen Resistance members don't stand a chance against–" 

Leia cut him off. "Get him out of here," she said, and then she lowered her voice so only Rey could hear, "before he gets himself killed." 

More blasters were pointed at Kylo. Rey heard mutterings from Resistance members who wouldn't mind if he got killed, didn't see why he was here, and were angry that they were entertaining this farce. 

Kylo shuffled his feet.

"Fine," she said to Leia, grabbing Kylo's arm for the third time. He let her drag him out of the room.

◇◇◇

Rey led Kylo to the crew quarters and closed the door.

"Are you trying to get _yourself_ killed?" she asked.

"No, of course not." His brow was furrowed.

"Well, you could have fooled me!"

"Why do you care?" he asked.

Her breath caught at his question. "I don't," she said.

"Really," he said, sounding unconvinced.

" _Really,_ " she said firmly.

"I think you do care." He took a step towards her.

She refused to back up. "Don't be ridiculous," she said, crossing her arms. 

He took another step and was standing directly in front of her. He stared. "I don't think I am being ridiculous. You came to me, remember?" 

"I was wrong. I thought I saw something in you that wasn't there."

He flinched at her words. "You'll join me. I saw it."

"Now who is being ridiculous?" she asked, looking up at him. The scar she gave him had faded into a faint line. She wondered what it felt like.

"You're acting childish," he said without a hint of irony.

_How dare he,_ she thought. She grabbed his arms as if to shake him.

Kylo put his hands over hers and gently took them off his arms. Gentle wasn't a word she associated with Kylo Ren – it was a word she associated with Ben – and he had proved to her how foolish she was to ever believe that there was enough of Ben in Kylo Ren to truly matter.

He was still holding her hands. 

"I'm not the one who throws temper tantrums when I don't get my way," she said, pulling her hands away from him.

"I don't throw temper tantrums!" He was clenching and unclenching his hands like he was struggling not to prove her right.

"You are a child," she said, looking up at him.

"I'm not a child," he said in a low voice. He tilted his head down and leaned towards her. His lips were quivering.

"Then prove it," she said, her voice quiet. She lifted her chin and she felt his breath against her face.

Later she wouldn't be able to say who closed the distance between them. Their lips crashed together and she was surprised by how soft his lips were. She brought her hands up to his face and felt his arms wrap around her. She shivered at the contact and leaned her body closer into his. It felt right being in his arms. 

His lips broke away from hers, and he stared at her with his mouth open. He looked like he was about to say something, but instead he leaned in and their lips met again.

Somewhere in the back of her mind there was a voice telling her that this was a terrible idea. She ignored that voice and sucked on his bottom lip. She heard him moan in response, and she smiled into his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo's world narrowed. He no longer heard the electrical hum of the _Falcon_. With his eyes closed, all he felt and heard was _her_. Rey's lips were warm and inviting and the feel of her hands on his face was soothing. As he wrapped her up in his arms, he felt her shiver. 

He had to check to make sure this moment was _real_. Reluctantly, Kylo leaned away from her and opened her eyes, drinking her in. Her face was flushed and she was breathing heavily. He had never seen anyone look so enticing before.

Instead of interrupting this moment by saying anything, he found himself leaning back in for another kiss. He felt her suck on his bottom lip and, _oh_ , that was a new sensation. He couldn't hold back his moan. Kylo lost himself to the moment – to the feel of her – to the sounds she made.

So wrapped up in her, he didn't hear the sound of the door opening. An impatient cough broke through, but he dismissed the sound. It was only when Rey pushed him away that he opened his eyes and took in the scene around him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kylo noticed a young woman with blonde hair standing in the doorway. He ignored the woman and focused on Rey whose face was bright red and wore an expression of horror. He swallowed hard and rubbed the back of his neck with a hand that was still warm from holding her.

"I, uh…" the blonde woman said, seemingly lost for words. Her eyes were wide and she kept looking back and forth between Rey and Kylo.

"Kaydel, this isn't what it looks like," Rey said in a rush, not meeting anyone's eyes. Kylo felt his heart shrink at her words.

Kaydel raised her eyebrows and stared at Rey as if waiting for an explanation.

"What are you doing here?" Rey asked instead of answering Kaydel's implied question.

"The General wants to talk to you – to both of you." Kaydel stumbled over her words.

Kylo's breath caught in his throat. He hoped that some other general – one who wasn't his mother – wanted to talk to them. 

"Ah," Rey answered. She didn't add anything else to her statement.

When Rey made no move to leave, Kaydel asked, "Are you coming?" She furrowed her brow.

"We'll be there in a minute," Rey said. The look she gave Kylo told him that she expected him to follow her instructions.

He felt himself bristle at her presumption. He could speak for _himself_. Still, Kylo wanted to know what Rey was going to say to him, so he stayed silent.

Kaydel turned to leave.

"Wait!" Rey shouted. "You're not going to tell Leia, are you?"

Kaydel turned to Rey. "I'll let you do that." She gave Rey a pointed look and then walked out the door.

Rey faced Kylo once the door closed. "This will never happen again," she said, gesturing between the two of them.

"Right," Kylo agreed, "it was a momentary lapse." She had no hold over him, so it would be easy to avoid having another… encounter. 

"Exactly." Rey nodded vigorously.

Kylo found himself fidgeting while he waited for her to say something more. They stood in silence for far too long. She refused to look at him and he couldn't look away.

◇◇◇

His mom was near the boarding ramp to the _Falcon_ , and she waved them over as soon as she spotted them. Kylo immediately lost all hope that some other general wanted to speak with them. With every step he took towards her, he felt his dread increase.

He must have slowed his pace considerably because Rey stopped walking, noticed she was several paces ahead of him, waited for him to catch up with her, and then grabbed his arm for the _fourth_ time, and urged him to speed up. She was getting awfully comfortable yanking him around and she wasn't exactly gentle. 

He considered ripping his arm out of her grasp, but his attention was drawn by a Resistance member's blaster pointing in his direction. Kylo gave his surroundings more of his attention – something he should have already done when surrounded by enemies – but he had been _distracted_. 

There were six blasters pointing at him – fewer than he expected – and most of the room was watching him. Any sudden movements, like freeing his arm from Rey's not-so-gentle grasp, seemed like a bad idea. His close proximity to Rey was probably the main reason he hadn't already been shot. You didn't need to be Force sensitive to pick up on the animosity in the room. 

Once they were standing in front of his mom, she nodded at them in greeting, and she looked around the room. Picking up on the attention and rage directed towards him, his mom said, "Come with me." 

They followed his mom, and Rey continued to tug at his arm. It was humiliating being dragged around. He told himself he hated the contact and that there was absolutely nothing appealing about being close enough to pick up on the subtle vanilla notes from the soap she used. 

◇◇◇

His mom led them down the corridor, through the main hold, past the circuitry bay, and behind the ventral universal docking hatch. They were hidden away enough not to be noticed by anyone walking past. 

Kylo pulled his arm away from Rey. "Stop grabbing me!" he demanded. 

"I wouldn't have to if I could trust that you would _listen_ to me," she muttered.

"I don't need to listen to you," he said. He wasn't a prisoner. They had agreed that the Resistance wasn't capable of holding him against his will.

"Exactly!" 

His mom cleared her throat, drawing his attention. When he looked at her, he realized the significance of where they were. Behind his mom was the port airlock. 

Remembering Rey's threat, Kylo felt uneasy. His mom had more reasons than Rey did to throw him out of the airlock. Did she bring him here to do that? Or did she choose this place to threaten him? Anger – definitely not worry – caused him to grind his teeth. 

"Now that I have your attention," his mom said sternly, "I would like to talk about how this is going to work." She sounded like a teacher chiding an unruly class. He hated the way he automatically stood straighter at her tone. His mom always did this – always made it sound like they were about to have a conversation when she had already decided what was going to happen. 

"We're going to go our separate ways as soon as we find a decent spaceport," Rey said like she thought that was all they needed to discuss.

"And that's _fine_ ," his mom said, clearly meaning the opposite. He could tell that she was _not_ a fan of Rey's plan. "But we need to have ground rules in the meantime."

He saw Rey nod in agreement. 

Kylo felt a spike of apprehension.

◇◇◇

Ever since they ki– no, ever since they _left_ _the crew quarters,_ Kylo had been acting strangely. First he was walking at a snail's pace, then he was making the Resistance even more nervous by glaring at everyone, and now he was staring past Leia when she was trying to talk to them. The least he could do was _pretend_ _to listen_. 

"You will not wander around the ship unaccompanied. You will either be with an armed guard or Rey–"

Kylo interrupted Leia. "Rey."

"Wait a minute," Rey said, uncomfortable with the idea of spending every minute with Kylo. "I didn't agree to–"

"We can't expect Rey to be with you at all times." Leia sighed. "It's Rey or an armed guard. This is non-negotiable."

"Fine," Kylo agreed.

Rey was surprised by how easily Kylo agreed. It was the same with the rest of the ground rules. He agreed not to _deliberately_ provoke anyone. He wouldn't attack anyone (unless it was self-defense) or use the Force against them.

He had never lied to her and she didn't sense any deception, but she didn't know if he meant any of what he agreed to. 

◇◇◇ 

His mom hadn't made any overt threats, but he heard them loud and clear in the looks she gave him and the implications behind the rules she set. He knew that as soon as he stepped out of line, she would have him thrown out of the airlock. He didn't think Rey was serious when she made the same threat, but he knew his mom was. That's why she emphasized the fact that Rey wouldn't be with him at all times; she would have it done _without_ Rey's knowledge. 

Thinking they were done, Kylo looked to Rey and motioned for them to leave.

"Not yet," his mom said. "Rey, you can stay, but could you also give us some privacy?"

Rey agreed and she stood far enough away that she wouldn't be able to hear if they spoke quietly, but close enough that she could still see them. He felt her eyes on him. 

Kylo looked at his mom and attempted to brace himself for what she would say.

"You're so tall," his mom said.

He looked at her with surprise. " _That's_ what you want to talk about?" It was her fault that she hadn't seen him since before he was fully grown. She sent him to Skywalker. Sure, he had refused to see her after he was sent away, but she could have pushed. If she had really wanted to see him, she would have found a way. 

"No, that's not… You look like I always imagined you would, that's all," she said. He couldn't place her tone. It was almost wistful, but he knew that couldn't be right. 

"You look the same," he said, the words slipping out.

"I'm old now." She had a self-deprecating smile on her face. 

"You don't look old. You're still…" _strong_ , he thought but didn't say.

His mom took a deep breath. "You said you couldn't take the shot."

He wasn't prepared for this conversation. "No." Kylo looked down.

"Why… why couldn't you take the shot with me, but with your father… with your father you…" she trailed off, her voice broke with emotion in a way he wasn't accustomed to hearing. He'd expected anger. He could have handled anger, but this – this outpouring of hurt was not something he knew how to respond to. His mom had always had so much control over herself and her emotions. It's one of the things that made them so different.

He didn't want to answer. Killing his dad broke him in a way that he knew was unfixable, so when faced with the opportunity to take the shot, he couldn't kill her too. He was _weak_. Snoke saw how weak he was and used it to demean and mock him. He killed his dad to make himself stronger and he failed. 

His mom's eyes were glassy. "Why did you do it?" she asked. 

He knew she couldn't make him answer, but he felt compelled to tell her. He felt like he _owed_ her. "It was supposed to make me strong." He avoided eye contact. 

"And did it?" she asked, sounding like she already knew the answer.

"No," he admitted. Still unable to meet her eyes, Kylo glanced at her face, gauging her reaction. She had composed herself – there was a familiar unapproachable blakness to her face – so he was unable to discern her thoughts. 

"Rey," his mom said, loud enough for her to hear, "you both may go now."

Kylo was grateful for the escape, but part of him was almost disappointed that they were done. There was no closure, which may have been the point; he knew he didn't deserve it. 

◇◇◇ 

Rey looked at him with concern. 

He ached in response. Surely she wasn't concerned about his wellbeing? She wasn't worried about him, he told himself. She was worried about what he would do. It made sense for her to be uneasy after he spoke with his mom. She had seen how volatile he could be, both in person and in the recording of him destroying his mask that Hux had shared.

He wanted nothing more than to have some privacy, but he knew that wasn't an option. At the very least he could be alone with her. There was something appealing about that idea. 

He was about to suggest a place on the _Falcon_ where they could hide from the Resistance when they were interrupted. 

Unfortunately, the traitor and the pilot he helped escape from the First Order joined them. 

◇◇◇ 

Rey followed Finn and Poe into the main hold, Kylo trailing behind them. Their group gained the attention of everyone in the room as soon as they arrived. Rey felt their anger and their fear. 

Finn wanted to talk to her – without Kylo listening – so Poe agreed to be Kylo's armed guard. As they went over to the engineering station, the room cleared. Both men remained standing and looked incredibly tense together.

Rey sat with Finn at the game table, making sure she could still see Kylo. Whatever space he was in, he commanded attention. It wasn't just his size that made him stand out. His presence in the Force was so loud that even those blind to the Force must have been able to sense it.

Rey leaned towards Finn, still mindful of Kylo, but giving Finn her attention. It was a relief to see him alive and well. When Rey left D'Qar to find Luke, she worried about his recovery. Then when she saw the First Order firing on the Resistance, she had been terrified that he hadn't made it. They hadn't known each other long, but his friendship was important to her. She'd never had a friend before.

"What's going on with you two?" Finn asked, his voice low enough not to be overheard.

Rey felt herself blush. She was sure that her face was bright red. "What do you mean?"

"You bring him on the _Falcon_ and say you two have a truce. How did that _happen_? You tried to kill each other on Starkiller Base."

"It's complicated, but the First Order is now our shared enemy. We both needed to get away from them," she said, conveniently leaving out the fact that she could have easily escaped without him.

"Fine," Finn said. He took a long look at Kylo and then looked back at Rey. "But I don't feel safe with him here."

Rey knew his concern was justified. Most of the Resistance likely shared the same concerns – the number of people who left the room after they arrived showed that. "Do you trust me?" she asked Finn.

"Yes, of course," he said without hesitation.

"Then believe me when I say that we are safe." She was confident that she could keep the Resistance safe if necessary, but part of her hoped that she wouldn't have to.

◇◇◇

"Why did you kill Snoke?" Dameron asked, full of bravado. It reminded Kylo of what the pilot was like when he interrogated him: cocky on the outside but terrified on the inside.

_Why did I kill Snoke?_ Kylo asked himself. Yes, he was tired of being a disappointment to Snoke and he wanted more power, but that wasn't new. Before Rey arrived on the _Supremacy_ he hadn't seriously considered killing Snoke. Something changed when Snoke tortured her, when he told Kylo to kill her, and Kylo didn't hesitate to act.

"That's none of your business," Kylo answered, having no reason to share the truth with him. 

"Considering that act led you here – on the _Millennium Falcon_ and with the entirety of the Resistance – it _is_ my business. You are an overpowered blaster with a cracked prismatic crystal that's about to explode. I need to know how unstable you are so that I can protect my people from the blast." Dameron's eyes were wide with anger and he was breathing heavily. Kylo could tell how little control he had over himself.

Kylo raised his eyebrows and didn't respond. He looked at Rey and saw that she was having an intense conversation with the former stormtrooper. The way the light caught her made her look like she was glowing. He had always felt how powerful she was in the light side of the Force, but the brilliant glow was more than just the Force. It was _her_. She was radiant.

"Was it for her?" Dameron asked, startling him out of his thoughts.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kylo said through gritted teeth.

"I think you do." Dameron sounded pleased, like he had finally solved a puzzle. "You're staring at Rey."

Kylo averted his eyes, but it was too late. Dameron had already reached whatever conclusion he came to. He knew there would be no dissuading him.

◇◇◇

"We should rescue Poe," Rey said, looking over at him. She was surprised to see that Poe was smiling; it wasn't a nice smile and it didn't reach his eyes. 

Finn nodded and then sighed as if bracing himself for facing Kylo.

Rey and Finn walked over to them, drawing the attention of the few other people left in the room.

Poe was the first to speak. "I was asking our visitor why he killed the Supreme Leader. He's been pretty closed lipped about it, but I'm starting to get an idea of what happened." He focused on Rey. "Why were you on the _Supremacy_? Did Luke drop you off?"

"Luke's here?" Rey's eyes widened; she hadn't expected him to help. She wondered what changed his mind. 

Poe stared at Rey. "He _was_ here. I thought you knew – that you came back together." His voice raised at the end of his statement like he was asking a question.

Finn looked at her expectantly. 

"We didn't," Rey said without elaborating. She didn't do anything wrong, but she didn't want to share what happened. She felt foolish for going to Kylo and expecting to bring back Ben, and she _knew_ the Resistance would question her judgement if they had the full story. That was the last thing she needed right now. "Where is he now?" Rey asked

Finn and Poe shared a look. "He sacrificed himself so we could escape," Finn answered. "The General told us he didn't make it." He said it kindly, but the words felt like a blow. Even though she left Ahch-To on bad terms with Luke, she was saddened to hear that he was gone. She had hoped that he would come around – that he could be convinced to help.

Luke changed his mind about helping the Resistance, but she was certain that he hadn't changed his mind about training her.

"Good," Kylo said, drawing her attention.

Rey felt a spike of anger. "Don't say that."

" _Please_ , you know better than anyone that I have reason to want Skywalker dead." Kylo's voice was brimming with anger and his hands were clenched into fists. "It's not like he was going to teach you anyway," he added. 

"And whose fault is that?" Rey asked. "Luke didn't exactly have a good experience with his last student." She knew that Luke bore some of the responsibility for what went wrong with Ben – with Kylo. And when it came to teaching her, it wasn't only bad experiences that kept him from teaching her; he was afraid of her power. 

She reminded him of Kylo. 

"He wasn't a very good teacher," Kylo said. He wasn't wrong.

◇◇◇

Kaydel joined them, which made Rey feel apprehensive. 

"Luke Skywalker faced down the full might of the First Order to help us escape. He was a hero," Kaydel said. She glared at Kylo. "You were lucky to have him as a teacher."

"You know nothing." Kylo took a step towards Kaydel. "All the stories about the great Luke Skywalker are a lie. He wasn't a hero. A hero would never–"

Rey put her hand on his chest and pushed him back. " _Enough_ ," she said. "We don't need to talk about this."

"I think we _do_ ," Kylo in a low voice. His focus was on Rey alone.

Rey noticed that Kaydel was staring at where her hand was still resting on Kylo's chest. She snatched her hand away. 

Kylo leaned towards Rey. "Your Resistance friends should know what kind of man he was."

Rey shook her head. "We're not doing this right now," she told Kylo. Looking around the room she saw how tense everyone was. Finn and Poe were standing in front of Kaydel, who was shaking, and they had their blasters out.

Kylo didn't seem concerned. She knew he could stop blaster bolts, but she didn't want anyone shooting at him. It would be a disaster for a fight to break out right now.

"Let's go," Rey said, trying to deescalate the situation. 

Kylo raised his eyebrows.

"You don't have to go with him," Poe said. He put a hand on Rey's shoulder and looked her in the eyes. "Someone else can guard him."

"Don't worry," Rey said, putting a hand on Poe's shoulder, mirroring his posture. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Finn asked, narrowing his eyes. 

Rey walked over to Finn. "I can handle him," Rey said seriously. 

Kylo scowled at her.

Rey smiled at his irritation. 

◇◇◇

Rey didn't know where their destination would be, but she knew she needed to get him away from the others before he started a fight. She purposefully kept him as far away from others every time they passed someone. She wouldn't be surprised if he provoked the next person they saw; it was like he was trying to make things difficult for her.

"I thought you'd want to spend time with the Resistance. You all share the misguided belief that a small group of rebels can defeat the First Order. Did that change?" Kylo asked. He sounded like he was taunting her.

Refusing to rise to the bait, Rey let out a deep and calming breath. "You were about to get shot," she said. 

"Am I supposed to thank you?" he asked. 

Rey crossed her arms. "It would be a start."

"I wouldn't be here if not for you."

"Are you still angry about that?" She wondered how he could be so angry at her for not leaving him to die. 

"I'm on the run because of you." His voice got louder. They were alone in the corridor, but that wouldn't last if he kept making so much noise. 

"You killed Snoke!" Rey tried to keep her voice down, but they came out as more of a loud whisper. "You would have ended up on the run anyway. At least now you have a chance of surviving." She motioned with her hands to emphasize each point. 

"I'm going to do more than survive. The First Order is _mine,_ " he said, eyes wild.

Rey sighed; she was tired of this conversation. He was so _frustrating_. 

"You're disappointed," Kylo said, moving into her personal space.

He was so close that Rey automatically backed up, bumping into the wall. Her heart sped up. 

Kylo stood directly in front of her. He didn't touch her, but he was so close that she was hyperaware of his every movement. She sensed the rise and fall of his chest and the way he clenched and unclenched his hands. Kylo leaned forward and spoke into her ear. "You're not going to be able to manipulate me into helping the Resistance." His breath was warm against her face.

"I'm not trying to," she said, looking at him straight on. 

"Are you sure about that?" he asked, tilting his head. "It's the only way this makes sense."

Rey pushed him away. "I'm sure," she said, voice firm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be updating this fic more regularly now that my other fic is complete. This chapter ran away with me, so it's going to be more than five chapters. I've updated the chapter count, but no promises that I won't need to update it again.

Rey pushed him away.

Kylo had to remind himself that Rey was trying to manipulate him. She turned down his offer to join him and instead of letting him make his own choices, she brought him with her against his will. The understanding he thought they came to though their connection was obviously a lie. Rey was nothing more than just another person in his life who didn't think he measured up, another person who tried to make him someone he wasn't. 

And that was _fine_. He never should have hoped for anything different.

Sometimes when she looked at him he thought there was something more there, but that always led to disappointment.

Kylo led Rey down the corridor towards the number three hold, and at least she wasn't dragging him around anymore.

"I thought you wanted to get away from everyone," she said as they entered the hold.

"I do," he said. This was the best place for that. He hoped no one else knew about the hidden storage room in the back.

The place was a mess – worse than the last time he was here as a child. Crates were everywhere and completely disorganized. You could barely see the power converter behind all of the junk stored in the room.

Kylo walked over to the power converter and moved a crate out of the way so that he could get to the batteries.

"What are you doing?" Rey asked.

He tried to ignore her and ran his hand on the wall behind the batteries. The last time he did this he was much smaller. His arm barely fit, but finally, he found the latch. 

"Got it," he said to himself.

"What is it?" Rey asked. He felt her come up behind him. 

Kylo pulled the latch and a short entrance opened in the wall. He needed to duck to walk through the doorway, but once he was inside, there was room to stand. The storage room was only a bit taller than him.

He turned on the light and saw that the room was dusty, but not as bad as it could have been. Air circulated in the space, mostly so that most types of cargo would survive being stored here for an indeterminate period of time. Like the hold, this room was a mess, but it was a mess in a much different way. Crates were sealed and items were wrapped with care. While there was stuff everywhere, most of it had been stored with care, like it mattered to someone. 

"I've never seen this room before," Rey said, following him inside and standing next to him.

"Good," he said, "that means that we're unlikely to be found."

Now that Rey was in the room, he shut the door.

"We're not going to get locked in here, are we?" Rey asked, standing too close to him. 

He raised his eyebrows. "It's not a jail cell." 

"Just checking," she said, and her voice had an edge to it, like she was close to the limit of tolerating his presence. Even with her so clearly wanting to be anywhere but with him, he couldn't take his eyes off her. She looked tense, but she wasn't afraid of him, which was novel for Kylo. It had been years since anyone except for Snoke looked at him without fear. 

That absence of fear had its downsides. Without fear, he lost some of his ability to control the situation. He was surrounded by enemies who wouldn't hesitate to kill him. He had to make sure that she knew there would be consequences if she broke their truce. "You said you wouldn't imprison me while we have a truce." Kylo narrowed his eyes. "Don't get any ideas."

"That's not what I meant," Rey sighed, a pinched expression on her face, "I just don't want to be stuck in here with _you._ " Her attention left Kylo. He followed her gaze and saw that something in one of the open crates caught her eye, and she went to investigate. He watched as she unwrapped a small object. 

It was a purple and orange tooka doll.

Kylo felt his chest tighten. "Put that down," he said, walking over to her.

Rey tilted her head to the side. "It's a toy," she said, sounding confused.

"I know it's a toy," he said. Kylo grabbed the tooka doll from her – it was still as soft as he remembered – and he wrapped it back up and put it in the crate.

"That was yours." Her eyes widened.

"You don't need to touch anything in there. You can explore the other ones," he said, ignoring her statement.

Rey put her hand on his arm. "I didn't mean to–"

He flinched and backed away. "Just look at something else." His stomach rolled at her false offer of comfort. Any hope he had that she felt what he did died when she refused to take his hand.

She nodded and moved on to a box at the opposite side of the room from him – not that that was more than three meters away – and gave him some much needed space.

His dad gave him that doll. He told him that when he was an infant it helped soothe his cries. Kylo still remembered the squeaking sound it made when it was squeezed. Kylo shut his eyes and tried to push away the memories. That happened in another life. Those memories belonged to Ben Solo, and Ben Solo was dead; they didn't mean anything to him.

_Then why are my eyes wet?_ he asked himself.

Kylo wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. It was this place that was doing this to him, making him think of the past. As soon as he got out of here, he would be _fine_. 

"I found ration bars," Rey said, getting his attention.

He looked over at her and saw her holding a ration bar that he guessed was at least ten years old. "They're probably expired."

"Better than nothing." She shrugged. "We don't know how long we'll be on this ship, and I don't know how many supplies we have."

"You're right," he agreed. It wasn't like the Resistance would spare him any of their supplies if they were short, and he needed to maintain his strength. Being vulnerable around enemies wasn't something he would allow. "They're useful," he said hesitating a moment before he added, "just don't tell anyone where you found them." 

"I won't." 

That was a relief. He didn't think their truce would last long if he had to spend much time with the rest of the Resistance. Rey was the only person on this ship that he didn't think would kill him if given the opportunity.

_She would have left me if she wanted me dead._

Rey put the ration bar back and started looking through another crate. He hoped she didn't find any more relics from his childhood.

He wiped sweat from his brow. Even though the air circulated in this room, it was still hotter than anywhere else on the ship. Kylo was used to wearing layers, but he was also used to being on spaceships that were kept at cool temperatures. He undid his belt and started to remove his tunic–

"What are you doing?" Rey asked, her voice sharp.

He stopped what he was doing. "It's hot in here."

"That doesn't mean you can get _undressed_ ," she said, her voice raising in pitch.

"It's nothing you haven't seen before," he said defensively. He had felt awkward about it at the time – she caught him off guard as she often did – but he had the sneaking suspicion that she liked what she had seen.

Rey reddened. "That's not the point."

"I'm wearing a shirt underneath," he said. He wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable. It was too warm in here to wear so many layers. "I'm only taking off the outer layer."

"Oh," she said, sounding relieved, "go ahead then."

He huffed. "Thank you for giving me permission."

" _You're welcome."_

He held back from rolling his eyes. Being around her made him act like a teenager, which as the next Supreme Leader wasn't appropriate. He needed to ignore her and focus on making a plan. He knew he had the support of the Knights of Ren, but the longer he was away, the harder it would be to take control of the First Order.

Hux and the other generals were consolidating power as he was playing nice with the enemy.

◇◇◇

Rey's joy at finding the ration bars was short-lived.

Kylo started getting undressed, and then she embarrassed herself by reminding him of the last time she saw him in a state of undress. Thankfully, he wasn't lying about having a layer underneath his tunic. He was wearing a plain black long sleeved shirt, and he somehow looked even bigger while wearing less clothing. The material was definitely thinner than his tunic and it was tighter as well, which did a better job of showing off how muscular she knew he was.

She tried not to think about what he looked like under his clothes.

Kylo folded his tunic and put it on the floor. He also folded his belt, which seemed a bit fastidious, but Rey guessed that the First Order required everyone to keep their bunks organized and tidy. He certainly didn't learn it from Han.

Rey was a bit hesitant about looking through more of the stuff hidden in this room because she didn't want to set Kylo off. She didn't mention it, but beside the box with the ration bars, there were more toys. She didn't want him to see anything that potentially belonged to him as a child.

There wasn't a lot to do other than look around the room. She didn't want to stare at Kylo, or worse, talk to him. Besides, she wanted to see if there were more supplies that the Resistance could use.

What she found in the next box made her raise her eyebrows in surprise. She picked up a bottle and showed it to Kylo. "There's a lot of Corellian whiskey in here," she said.

Kylo walked over to her and took the bottle from her.

"Hey, you can't keep taking things from me." She tried to grab the bottle even though there was an entire case of the stuff behind her.

He held it out of reach, and Rey's arm brushed against his face as she reached for the bottle. 

Kylo stepped back. "We should have a toast," he said, looking thoughtful.

"To what?" she asked. The Resistance was almost decimated and she was stuck with Kylo Ren until they found a spaceport where they could safely dump him. It wasn't the time to celebrate.

"Killing Snoke," he said like it was obvious. "Taking out the entire Elite Praetorian Guard."

She supposed his reasoning made as much sense as anything else that had happened in the last week – a drink wouldn't make her _more_ tense. "Sure," she agreed, already regretting her decision, but she went forward anyway. "Might as well."

He opened the bottle and handed it to her. She took a sip and it was nowhere near as bad as the homebrew hooch she had a few times on Jakku. That stuff tasted like it could eat a hole through tempersteel. This was almost smooth.

She noticed that he was staring at her, which made her feel self conscious. 

She passed the bottle back to him and watched as he brought the bottle to his lips – she tried not to think about how soft his lips felt against hers – and noticed that he took a much bigger sip than she did.

He started coughing.

"You okay there?" she asked, trying to hold back her laugh.

"That's awful," he said, passing her the bottle. "How can you drink it?" His voice was strained and he continued coughing.

Rey shrugged. "I've had worse." She had another drink. "I take it you're done then?" She raised her eyebrows and shook the bottle.

"It surprised me, that's all." Kylo took the bottle back and had a smaller sip this time. He didn't cough, but he couldn't hide his grimace at the taste.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that." This time when she took the bottle from him their fingers touched, which sent a jolt of electricity through her system. She looked away from him and drank again.

This was a terrible idea, she knew, but what was one more in a series of terrible ideas?

She sat down and leaned against the wall and Kylo joined her, taking the bottle back. 

It was almost peaceful, passing the bottle back and forth. When he wasn't talking, she almost forgot how awful he was, and how much he disappointed her. 

Was he thinking about getting away from the Resistance, taking over the First Order, painful childhood memories, or _leaving_ _her?_ She tried to take her mind off him, but it was difficult with him sitting beside her. He had consumed her thoughts since Ahch-To – before that if she was honest with herself – since she saw his face for the first time.

The door opened, interrupting their momentary peace, and Rey automatically straightened and grasped Kylo's lightsaber. She saw Kylo attempt to do the same, but she had his lightsaber, so he clenched his hand into a fist. 

Poe was at the door, hand resting on his blaster. He turned back. "They're in here."

Kaydel followed Poe into the room, shutting the door behind her.

Rey felt a chill in her spine at the sight of Kaydel. She liked her, but now Kaydel knew more than Rey was comfortable with. She felt Kaydel's distrust and disbelief. 

Kaydel also had her hand on her blaster.

Rey looked at Kylo and saw that he was scowling. She looked back at Poe and Kaydel. "What are you doing here?" she asked, trying to sound casual about it.

"Figured we'd give you some company while on guard duty," Poe said, waving in Kylo's direction.

Rey gave them a hesitant smile. The offer seemed genuine, and there was no reason for Rey to refuse… but it felt like they were _intruding_. 

Before Rey could turn down their offer, Kaydel spoke. "Are you _drinking_?" she asked, staring at the bottle of whiskey.

"Yes," Kylo answered, "do you want some?" He held the bottle out.

Rey glared at him. Of course he would make this more difficult. It was like he _wanted_ someone to shoot him. 

Kaydel and Poe gave each other a look. 

"Yes, actually," Poe said, surprising everyone. He walked over to Kylo, and Kylo gave him the bottle. He drank from it without coughing or grimacing. Poe looked at Kaydel and tilted his head in their direction.

Some silent communication went on between the two of them. So far, Rey didn't think Kaydel had told Poe or anyone else what she saw – she was certain that she would know if Kaydel had – but she didn't know how long that would last. Rey dreaded having to explain actions that she couldn't explain to herself.

"Fine," Kaydel said, taking the bottle from Poe and wincing as she drank. "I hate whiskey."

"It's not so bad," Rey said, not quite believing what was happening. She wondered if the whiskey was laced with a hallucinogen. 

Kaydel passed Rey the bottle and sat across from her. The bottle was still mostly full. 

"Where'd you get the whiskey from?" Poe asked, sitting next to Kaydel and across from Kylo. 

"There's a whole case. I also found a box of ration bars," Rey said, gesturing in the general direction of the rest of the whiskey and ration bars. Rey had a smaller sip this time, not waiting to mistakenly reveal anything to Poe or Kaydel. She went to pass the bottle to Kylo, but he didn't notice, so she held onto it. 

"How did you find us?" Kylo asked abruptly. He looked back and forth between Poe and Kaydel.

"Your mom told us you might be hiding here," Poe said.

Kylo scowled. "Does anyone else know about this place?"

"Why, planning on killing us and hiding our bodies in here?" Poe asked, taking the bottle from Rey. He had a drink and passed the bottle to Kaydel.

"Not while Rey and I have a truce," Kylo said, crossing his arms. 

Kaydel had another drink. Her grip on the bottle looked tight, her knuckles whitened. 

Poe laughed. "Reassuring," he said, sounding like it was decidedly not reassuring. 

Rey had a bad feeling about this. 

◇◇◇

Rey felt more relaxed. She had lost track of how much she drank, but she didn't think she was drunk yet. Her shoulders loosened and she slumped back into the wall.

Drinking on Jakku was dangerous. Every time she drank she risked being careless enough to lose her most recent haul, her home, or _worse_. Right now she wasn't feeling that same worry. Despite being on the run from the First Order, she wasn't concerned about anyone stealing from her or seriously harming her. Not that she had much to steal.

Kylo knew that if he took his lightsaber back, the truce would be over. They weren't close enough to anywhere they could land for him to risk it.

Everyone was slowing down their drinking except for Kylo. Despite his initial dislike, every time the bottle came his way, he drank from it. He had been staying mercifully quiet, which helped Poe and Kaydel relax a bit.

Neither of them had their guard down, but their hands weren't on their blasters at least: progress.

Kaydel passed the whiskey over to Rey more often than she drank, and Rey suspected that Poe wasn't drinking every time he put his lips to the bottle. 

Kylo leaned his head back and closed his eyes, drawing her eyes to the arch of his neck. She saw a bead of sweat drop down his neck. It was warm in here, but without his layers, he shouldn't have been that hot. She wondered if the drink was getting to him. 

Or maybe Poe.

"With no Supreme Leader, who's in charge?" Poe asked, staring intently at Kylo.

"Why would I tell you?" Kylo asked, his eyes still closed.

"Hux put a substantial bounty out against you," Poe said. He was trying to convince Kylo to reveal information, but Rey didn't think it would work. "Is he in charge?"

Rey had another sip and kept the bottle. The way this conversation was going, she suspected that she would need it.

Kylo snorted and opened his eyes. "Snoke once called Hux a _rabid cur._ There's no way the other generals will fall behind him. There's going to be so much infighting that they will be _grateful_ when I take over."

"I'm still not clear on _how_ you expect to do that. You're going to get yourself _killed._ " Poe said.

Rey agreed with Poe. She didn't think Kylo would be a very effective Supreme Leader. He was powerful in the Force, but that wasn't all you needed to rule the galaxy. He offered her a place at his side and one of the reasons she didn't take him up on his offer was that ruling the galaxy wasn't something she wanted, wasn't something that she knew how to do.

She didn't think he knew either.

"I didn't know you _cared,_ " Kylo said to Poe. "Thank you for your concern."

Poe bristled. "I'm just surprised that the General could have a son who's so stupid. I don't see the family resemblance." He shook his head.

"Good," Kylo said, his jaw tight. "I don't want to be anything like _her_." Kylo snatched the bottle from Rey and almost dropped it. His hand was unsteady as he took a long drink.

"You don't drink much, do you?" Poe asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It wasn't something Snoke encouraged," Kylo said, looking down at the bottle.

"When was the last time you had a drink?" Poe asked.

"At the Jedi temple," Kylo said. His eyes widened like he hadn't meant to say that. 

"I never pictured Jedi drinking," Kaydel said. 

"We were teenagers," Kylo explained, shrugging, "Hennix snuck in some Savareen brandy." He looked down at the whiskey, and he appeared lost in thought. He almost looked sad, but she thought that must have been wishful thinking. She didn't want to make the mistake of seeing good in him that wasn't there. Not again.

"Was he one of the students you killed?" Kaydel asked.

Rey tried to stop this conversation before it got any worse. "Kaydel–"

" _Yes_ " Kylo hissed, and he had another sip of whiskey, this one bigger than his last. "He was the first person I ever killed." Kylo gripped the bottle tightly and clenched his other hand into a fist. He looked like he was trying to keep himself in check, but his emotions were _screaming_ at her.

Anger. Regret. Anguish. 

She almost reached out to comfort him, but cringed at her reaction. He had admitted to murdering another student, and here she was feeling sympathy for him. _What's wrong with me?_ she wondered.

"But it wasn't a _good death,_ so it didn't count," Kylo continued.

"What's a _good death_?" Rey asked, disturbed by what he said. This was the man she thought had so much Light buried beneath his darkness, the man she had stupidly believed was their last hope for defeating the First Order.

"It's what I _needed_ to join the Knights of Ren." Kylo leaned forward. It looked like he was going to spill the whiskey, but he kept the bottle upright. "Luke didn't _count_ because it was self-defense – I didn't know he survived – and Hennix was an accident. Didn't _matter_ that I grew up with him, that once I killed him, there was no turning back–"

"How do you _accidently_ kill someone?" Poe asked.

"I was distracted when I deflected the lightsaber _he threw at me_ ," Kylo said with a raised voice. He drank again.

Rey didn't think that Kylo would have shared any of this if he hadn't been drinking. Poe may have had the right idea, trying to get information from him this way. 

But it didn't sit right with Rey. The others didn't know Kylo like she did, didn't feel what he felt. It was painful for him to share this story, but he didn't have enough of a filter to stop himself.

Despite being conflicted, Rey wanted to know more. "If that didn't count, how did you join the Knights of Ren? Aren't you their leader?" she asked.

"I killed Ren," he said matter of factly. "That's how I became their leader and that's why they'll never betray me. I'm more powerful than any of them." He leaned back against the wall.

He should have sounded arrogant, but she knew his confidence was justified. She was there when he killed Snoke and saw how he fought the Praetorian Guard; it was exhilarating and eye opening. The only reason she was able to keep up with him on Starkiller Base, with her powers so new, was how unstable and injured he was. 

"I thought you destroyed the Jedi temple and killed all the students." Kaydel said, frowning. "Isn't that why they call you _Jedi killer_?" 

Rey could tell that Kaydel was afraid of Kylo, but that didn't stop her from standing up to him. At any other time she would have admired her bravery, but right now wished Kaydel wouldn't push Kylo's buttons so much. Rey knew that Kylo didn't have much self control. Between Kaydel, Poe, and Rey herself, she worried they might cause Kylo to lash out in a way that they couldn't ignore. She wanted this truce to _work_. She didn't take Kylo with her for him to get himself _killed_.

"I may not have destroyed the temple, but I am responsible for Hennix and Tai's deaths. I killed Voe out of anger. I am a _Jedi killer._ " He turned to Rey and gave her a pained look. "You should be afraid of me."

_"I'm not,"_ Rey said _,_ taking the bottle from him. She wasn't afraid of him, but sometimes he made her fear herself.

Kylo sighed. "I know."

◇◇◇

Kylo let his gaze float around the room. Everything looked a bit fuzzy and he was having difficulty concentrating.

Poe kept changing the topic of conversation. Kylo guessed that he realized he wouldn't learn any useful information from him this way. Kylo felt like he should be angry with him, but he was more irritated than truly angry. He tried to ignore the talking, only engaging to take the now almost empty bottle back and drink some more. 

"What happened the first time you got drunk?" Poe asked everyone.

Kylo refused to answer and didn't pay attention to any of their answers until it was Rey's turn. 

He was reluctantly amused when Rey told her story about stealing hooch, among many other things, from some other scavengers who tried to rob her. She didn't realize how strong it was, so she was sick the next morning, but that group of scavengers _never_ tried to steal from her again, so she said it was worth it. 

Kylo snorted at the image his mind conjured up. He imagined the faces of the scavengers once they realized they realized how outclassed they were.

"Who was your first kiss?" Poe asked, which drew Kylo's attention back to the conversation. "Mine was Jamie, a childhood friend."

"Jean, she had the most beautiful red hair," Kaydel said wistfully. 

Kylo didn't care about either of their answers. He stared at Rey, and he noticed that Poe and Kaydel were looking at her expectantly.

"I'm not answering." Rey crossed her arms. Her face was bright red.

"It's not like we'll know them," Poe said, his smile growing. " _Unless_ it's someone with the Resistance."

Rey shook her head.

"Was it Finn?" Poe asked, leaning forward. 

Kylo's stomach dropped at the thought of Rey kissing _Finn_. Was _he_ the reason Rey was so adamant about rescuing the Resistance?

"She doesn't have to answer," Kaydel said to Poe. 

Rey let out a deep breath and sagged against the wall. Kylo wondered why she didn't want to talk about _Finn_. He remembered the way she hugged him after she helped the Resistance escape. She had seemed so _happy_ to see him.

"Fine," Poe said. He looked at Kylo. "Well, what about you?"

"Narhana," Kylo said, the answer slipping out before he was able to stop himself from answering. "A Twi'lek. We met at the Ryloth archives." His voice sounded louder than he expected it to be. 

He felt a spike of anger from Rey, which he didn't understand.

"I thought the First Order was xenophobic," Kaydel said.

"I don't care about _that_ ," Kylo said, waving his hand in dismissal. "And I went to Ryloth with _Luke_ – not that it matters." Kylo remembered his amazement when Narhana leaned over and kissed him. Out of the two of them she was more experienced, and he was shocked that she was interested in him. He remembered wanting to spend more time with her, but he and Luke only stayed at the archives for a couple weeks. They didn't stay in touch. 

Still, it was a nice memory. Not as nice as–

No.

He wasn't thinking about _that_.

◇◇◇

Kylo's neck hurt. He was slumped against the wall and his neck was bent at an angle so that it was almost touching his shoulder. He didn't know how much time passed, but he must have fallen asleep. The last thing he remembered was Poe and Rey talking about old speeders. 

His mouth was dry and his head was pounding. He heard Poe and Kaydel speaking in hushed voices, so they were probably talking about him. He couldn't make out what they were saying. 

He opened his eyes and winced at the light. The lights in the room were off, but the door was open, which let enough light in for him to see his surroundings. Rey was now laying down, her head on the ground next to his thigh. She looked like she was sound asleep.

Laying on the hard floor like that couldn't be comfortable.

Kylo picked up his folded tunic and gently placed it under her head. Rey tensed. He moved his hand, still cupping her head, in a soothing motion so as not to wake her. She muttered something, but relaxed back into sleep.

"What are you doing?" Poe asked.

Kylo startled. He hadn't noticed him approaching. It looked like Kaydel was gone, leaving him alone with Poe and a sleeping Rey. "Nothing," he said, moving away from Rey. He felt a stab of nausea at the movement, so he stilled and closed his eyes.

When he opened them, he saw Poe staring at him with raised eyebrows.

"Sure," Poe said, "get some sleep. I'm taking the first watch."

Kylo wanted to argue, but his eyes were heavy. He let himself close them again, telling himself that it would only be for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drink responsibly. Unlike these fools, remember to have lots of water.


	4. Chapter 4

Awareness returned to Rey slowly as she woke up. Now that the adrenaline from the past few days had worn off, she felt the after-effects of her fight with Snoke and then the Praetorian Guard. Her body ached and she felt stiff, too stiff to get up.

She jolted at the sound of something crashing. 

"Sorry," Kaydel said in a voice that was far too loud. 

Rey opened her eyes and it took her a moment to adjust to the bright lights. Her face was resting on something soft. Its scent was familiar and comforting. And her mouth was dry in a way that reminded her of her worst moments on Jakku; water was life, so she rarely let herself get to the point of true thirst. She gave up portions, treasured possessions, and rest to make sure she always had enough water to survive.

"There's water next to you," Kaydel said. 

Rey looked to her side and saw that there was a large canteen next to her. Grateful, she sat up, wincing at the sharp pain in her head, and slowly picked up the canteen and took a large sip. And then she took another.

Rey looked down and saw that it was Kylo's tunic that she had been sleeping on. _How did it get there? s_ he wondered _._

"How are you feeling?" Kaydel asked.

"Fine," Rey said, turning towards the sound of Kaydel's voice. She saw Kaydel picking up ration bars and putting them back in the box. That must have been what caused the crash. "Thank you for the water."

Rey looked around the room and saw that she was alone with Kaydel. Where was–

"Kylo Ren is with Poe." Kaydel walked over to Rey and handed her a ration bar. "You should eat. If you keep that down, we'll get you something more substantial."

Rey gave her a small smile and took the ration bar. It was bland and inoffensive tasting – better quality than others she ate in the past. Rey drank some more water, still thirsty. 

Kaydel sat in front of Rey. "Since we're alone, I wanted to ask you about Kylo Ren."

Rey looked directly at Kaydel and tried not to show her discomfort. "What about him?"

"I haven't told anyone what I saw–" 

"It was a mistake that is _never_ happening again," Rey interrupted, trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince Kaydel.

Kaydel nodded. "That's good," she said, slowly, "but then you were drinking together."

Rey leaned away. "What's your point?" she asked.

"I need to know how compromised your judgement is," Kaydel said, pursing her lips. "He's dangerous and it doesn't seem like you are taking that seriously." 

"I know how dangerous he is," Rey said, and she paused to think over her words. From the outside she could see how her choices were… questionable. In the moment she had _known_ that she hadn't been making smart decisions. "But he won't hurt us, not while we have a truce."

"How can you be certain?" Kaydel asked.

"The Force," Rey explained, "I can feel what he feels. I'll know if he lies." She was only willing to share some of the truth.

"And if you're wrong?" Kaydel gave Rey a pointed look. 

"If I'm wrong… I'll handle him," Rey said, sitting up straight and holding Kaydel's gaze.

"I don't know much about the Force," Kaydel said, her body rigid. "But he's got more training than you." 

"I've beaten him before and I can do it again," Rey straightened and leaned forward. "But it won't come to that… not while we have a truce."

"I don't know you well, but General Organa trusts you. And so does your friend Finn." Kaydel sighed as if resigned. "That will have to be enough for now."

Rey was feeling less and less like she deserved their trust. She hadn't been entirely open or honest with Leia or Finn. Not that there had been much time to talk, not when she had Kylo at her side most of the time since reuniting with the Resistance. But she didn't know how honest she would be when she did have the chance to _really_ talk with them; she didn't know if she was comfortable sharing the details of her bond with Kylo and everything that had happened with _anyone_.

For most of her life she had been alone, which meant relying on herself and nobody else. It also meant that she had only ever been accountable to herself. Since she rescued the Resistance, they looked at her with a mix of awe, fear, and suspicion. Rey didn't know how she felt about that.

◇◇◇

After a trip to the refresher that left Rey feeling more alert, Kaydel led her to Finn. She could have easily found him on her own, but she guessed that Kaydel was uncomfortable leaving her alone. Even though it was understandable, the lack of trust stung.

Rey was fortunate that she had a change of clothes on the _Falcon_. The light grey tunic and dark grey leggings she now wore were clean and comfortable. Her armbands needed to be cleaned, so her arms were bare, which was not something she was accustomed to. 

Once they found Finn in the crew quarters, Kaydel left and Rey felt some of the tension leave her body.

"Rey, it's good to see you!" Finn said, smiling. He welcomed her into the room and brought her to a woman resting one of the bunks. It looked like she was recovering from injuries. "Have you met Rose yet?" he asked.

"No," Rey said. She turned to Rose. "But I've heard a lot about you and how you saved Finn. Thank you." 

Rose grinned. "No need to thank me. We've got to protect the people who are important to us. That's how we'll survive this war – how we will win it," she said, sounding far more hopeful than Rey felt.

"You're right," Rey agreed, thinking over Rose's words. Finn came back for her, Chewie waited for her while she was on the _Supremacy_ , and Kylo… he killed Snoke for her. And then she brought him with her. 

Rey knew how she felt about Finn and Chewie, but she didn't know how she felt about Kylo. He was important to her and they protected each other, but what was the way forward? How could they protect each other and remain on different sides? She _refused_ to help him take control of the First Order, and that was the path he seemed _determined_ to take.

"I still need to tell you about Canto Bight," Finn said, bringing Rey's focus back to the conversation.

"Have you heard of fathiers?" Rose asked, her eyes lighting up.

Rey listened to Finn and Rose's animated summary of what she missed, and she allowed herself to push thoughts of Kylo to the back of her mind.

◇◇◇

Kylo was suspicious when Poe took pity on him and provided him with a canteen of water and accompanied him to the refresher. His pounding head must have distracted him from thinking clearly because he followed Poe without arguing. It all made sense when Poe brought him straight from the refresher to his mom in the circuitry bay.

The three of them were alone – or as alone as you could be on a ship filled with what was left of the Resistance. It was a tight fit, and Kylo avoided looking directly at his mom. Instead, he let his eyes wander around the familiar grated floor and ceiling, the exposed circuits, and the lights that showed what was and wasn't working as it should.

"We need to know which spaceports are safe for us to refuel, get supplies, and drop you off," his mom said, straight to the point. "And which ones are too high risk."

Kylo shook his head, which made him wince slightly. "I'm not giving you intel on the First Order," he said. 

His mom raised her eyebrows. "The First Order put a bounty out on you," she said, sounding like she didn't think he understood the situation.

He did understand, but he wasn't going to make things _more_ difficult for himself once he was Supreme Leader by aiding the Resistance. 

"Once I'm Supreme Leader, I won't need to worry about the bounty," Kylo said. Once he was Supreme Leader, he would have nothing to fear. "But I will need to worry about the consequences of any damaging information I share."

"So we'll land at the Eriadu Spaceport," Poe said, cutting into the conversation.

"Are you trying to get us all _killed_?" Kylo asked. He looked at his mom and saw that she too didn't look happy about that plan.

"It's part of the Outer Rim, and the First Order doesn't have–"

"Eriadu has the most thorough customs and immigration protocols of any of the Outer Rim planets," Kylo said, unwilling to listen to Poe's ridiculous justification for picking one of the worst spaceports for them to land. Choosing somewhere at random would have been better.

"Got it," Poe said, arms crossed. "Not Eriadu. Should we go through every spaceport in the Outer and Mid Rim one by one, or do you have some suggestions?" he asked, his tone scathing.

Kylo sighed. "We need to stay in the Outer Rim," he said. 

"That limits our options," his mom said. "We might not be able to find somewhere sympathetic enough to the Resistance in the Outer Rim."

"Fine," Kylo said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'll offer some suggestions, but know that these holes in security will be _closed_ as soon as I am Supreme Leader." 

He needed the element of surprise to take over the First Order. Being found out because the Resistance was caught would make things more difficult for him.

Being caught with the Resistance would make becoming Supreme Leader nearly impossible for him.

◇◇◇

They narrowed their spaceport options down to three. Kylo understood why they wouldn't share their destination with him, but it was inconvenient. He needed to find a way to confirm where they were landing so that he could send a message to the Knights of Ren and have them meet him there. Every second that passed made it exponentially more difficult for him to become Supreme Leader.

He needed to make his move while the First Order was still squabbling about the power structure. The last thing he needed was to go back to a First Order that already rallied behind Pryde – or worse – _Hux_.

◇◇◇

Poe led the way to the number two hold where the Resistance had set up their meals. 

Kylo saw Rey as soon as he stepped inside. He knew when she realized he was there because her smile dropped. She was eating with Finn and a woman Kylo didn't know. 

Poe nodded in the direction of the food. Kylo reluctantly tore his eyes away from Rey and grabbed a bowl. There was a soup that looked bland and portion bread that looked dry. Kylo and Poe sat on some overturned crates as far away from Rey as they could get in the hold.

Kylo knew what Poe was doing. He obviously wanted to keep him away from Rey.

Kylo ate mechanically, not really tasting his food. Rey still had his attention. Her and her friends were speaking in hushed voices that were getting louder as they spoke. He tried to make out what they were saying, but they sat too far away.

Kylo looked away from Rey when a short man sat next to Poe. 

The man saw Kylo looking at him. "I'm Beaumont Kin," he said, introducing himself with an awkward looking wave. "I would love to pick your brain about the Force," he said.

Kylo gave him a puzzled expression. "Why would I tell you anything?"

"I am – or more accurately, I was – an historian. A first-hand account of the Force from a Force user would be _fascinating_ , " Beaumont said, leaning forward.

Poe looked like he was about to interject, but Kylo spoke before he had a chance. "What do you know of the Force?" he asked.

"I have studied the Jedi and the Sith _extensively_ ," Beaumont said.

"You'll be disappointed to hear that I am neither," Kylo said, raising his eyebrows.

"Not disappointed at all," Beaumont said. He gave Kylo his full attention. "There's little surviving information about Force users. You likely know more about the Jedi, the Sith, and any other Force sensitive groups than anyone else alive." 

"I'm sure I do," Kylo said, and the image of Snoke's dead body flashed in his mind. "You're not too terrified to speak to me?" he asked, unsure what to make of this strange man.

"Oh, I am," Beaumont said with a laugh. "But I know not to waste this opportunity."

◇◇◇

Kylo found himself reluctantly amused. He humored Beaumont by answering some of his questions because it wasn't like there was much else he could do with Poe watching him. How uncomfortable it made Poe was a nice bonus. Poe had a pinched look on his face, and he kept opening his mouth as if to speak and then closing it and shaking his head.

"Is it true that some Force users can speak to each other in their minds?" Beaumont asked.

"It is," Kylo answered.

"Does that mean you can hear what we're thinking?" Poe asked, shifting on the crate.

Kylo took a moment to think about his answer. "Not in the way you mean," he said carefully. 

They both looked to Kylo for more explanation, but he didn't add anything. He needed them to be afraid of him, but if they were too afraid, he risked not making it off this ship alive.

Kylo noticed Rey walking over to join them, her friends watching. She sat next to him.

"Can you hear our thoughts?" Beaumont asked Rey.

Rey's eyes widened slightly. "What makes you think I can?" 

"That's not a no," Poe said, looking concerned.

Rey glanced at Kylo and then looked at Poe. "I can't. At least not in the way you're thinking."

"That's what _he_ told us," Poe said, gesturing at Kylo.

"Fascinating," Beaumont said, "what are you able to hear?"

"It's more of an impression of your feelings," Rey answered. "I can't hear your thoughts." Her voice was soft, like she was trying to reassure them.

Based on the expression Poe wore, she hadn't succeeded.

"Can you rip into minds like he can?" Poe asked, tilting his head in Kylo's direction.

"I could…"

"Please don't," Beaumont said. He sounded like he was joking, but there was an edge of seriousness to his voice.

Rey let out a breath and some of the tension left her body. "I don't plan on breaking into _anyone's_ mind," she said with a hint of a smile.

"Could I see your lightsaber?" Beaumont asked Rey, changing the topic.

Kylo bristled. "That's _my_ lightsaber," he said.

"Oh, what happened to yours?" Beaumont asked.

"It broke," Rey said. 

"Are you going to fix it or use Kylo Ren's?" Poe asked, his brows pinched together.

"She is giving me my lightsaber back as soon as we land," Kylo said. He was not leaving without his lightsaber.

Rey raised her eyebrows. "Am I?"

"You are," Kylo said.

Rey shrugged. "I'm not giving you back your lightsaber if I don't have a lightsaber," she said.

"Then I'll help you fix yours," Kylo offered. He didn't think she would take him up on his offer, but it wasn't like she had anyone else to ask.

Rey smiled. "So you admit it's mine?" 

"It should be mine," Kylo said.

"Why do you want a blue lightsaber?" Beaumont asked. "I thought darksiders only used red." 

"That lightsaber belonged to my grandfather. It's _my_ family legacy," Kylo said. The only reason it responded to Rey was their bond. Without the bond, that lightsaber would have gone to him on the _Supremacy_. They were too evenly matched. That's why it broke.

"I thought it was Luke's lightsaber," Poe said.

Kylo tensed at Luke's name. "And before that it was Darth Vader's," he said. 

"You've been using _Darth Vader's_ lightsaber," Poe said to Rey, his voice raising in pitch. 

"It belonged to Anakin Skywalker not Darth Vader," Rey said. 

_And of course you think that_ , Kylo thought. But he knew better. The blade was used by Darth Vader when he embraced the dark side, and as a result, the blade radiated with both dark and light side energy. 

"They were the same man," Kylo said. 

"So you're Ben Solo?" Rey asked. There was a challenging edge to her voice.

Kylo grit his teeth. "That's not what I _meant_ , and you know it," he said, frustrated. "Do you want me to help you fix your lightsaber or not?"

"Fine," Rey said. "Let's try to fix it now." She stood up. 

"Can I come?" Beaumont asked, sounding far too enthusiastic.

"No," Kylo said, "Force users only."

Beaumont's shoulders slumped. "I had to ask."

◇◇◇

Poe walked with Rey and Kylo to the hidden storage room. It was the only distraction free space available. Poe was quiet, too quiet. Rey didn't know him well, but she could tell this was out of character for him. She wouldn't be surprised if he posted a rotating guard outside the storage room. 

Finn and Rose had been similarly unhappy when she told them that her and Kylo were going to try to fix the lightsaber together. Finn worried that it was a trap, while Rose worried that they might damage the ship if something went wrong with the repairs. 

They weren't able to dissuade her. She _needed_ a lightsaber, and she didn't want Kylo's. It was dangerously unstable.

◇◇◇

It felt wrong to put her lightsaber on the ground, so Rey put down a blanket and laid the lightsaber pieces on it, showing where it was still intact and where the damage was. She also had a toolkit on the ground, next to the blanket, that shehoped would be enough to fix the lightsaber.

Kylo sat on the blanket and inspected the pieces without touching them. His brow wrinkled and he ran his hand through his hair.

"So," Rey said, breaking the silence, "how do we fix it?"

"We need to meditate," he said, still staring at the pieces.

"You have no idea how to fix it, do you?" she asked, feeling disheartened. She shouldn't have let herself get her hopes up.

Kylo looked up at Rey. "The hilt is easy enough to repair, but the kyber crystal is broken."

"How do you find a kyber crystal?" she asked. If it was easy, there would be more lightsabers.

"You don't," he said.

Her heart sank. She wanted a working lightsaber before they landed. She didn't want to search the galaxy for a kyber crystal, while they were on the run from the First Order.

"You don't need to," Kylo continued.

"But you said–"

"You have a choice. Contain the crystal or heal it," he said, staring at the crystal.

"You talk about it like it's alive," she said.

He looked at her. "In a way it is."

Rey stared at the crystal and wondered if it was in pain. "How do I contain the crystal?" she asked.

"For mine, I needed to add vents and–"

"So it would be unstable like yours," she said, trying to picture herself with a blue crossguard saber that crackled with power. 

"Yes," he said. 

"I want to heal it," she decided. The crystal seemed to sing in approval.

"I thought you would," Kylo said. "We'll need to meditate." He motioned for Rey to sit in front of him.

◇◇◇

They sat across from each other on the blanket with only the broken crystal between them. 

"Listen to the crystal," Kylo said, his deep voice was soft and soothing. "Focus on what you feel."

Rey nodded and closed her eyes.

_Listen to the crystal._

There was a gentle hum coming from the broken crystal. 

The hum got louder and Rey struggled to focus on the crystal. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to focus only on listening. The hum now sounded like a scream and she felt heat radiating from the crystal. 

"I don't know if I can do this on my own," Rey said.

She felt him reach out. The struggle between the dark and the light side of the Force felt like a hurricane. The crystal vibrated in reaction to the intensity. She worried that they were about to destroy the crystal, but then something shifted. Together they found a calm place, free of struggle. 

It was him, she realized. This was who he could be if he let himself.

The crystal reacted to the change and everything slotted together. 

◇◇◇

The room was quiet and the kyber crystal was still. Rey picked up the crystal and noticed that it was cool to her touch. 

It was whole.

"We healed it," she said, grinning widely. It wasn't only the crystal that was healed. She felt whole in a way she hadn't felt since before the crystal broke.

Kylo moved closer and touched the crystal, his hand brushing against her fingers. He looked up at Rey, and she saw that he was smiling. He looked so much younger, his face free of the tension he normally carried around.

Rey brought her free hand to his face and felt the lines of his smile. She leaned towards him and pressed her lips to his. 

Despite the surprise she felt from him through their bond, he responded immediately. His mouth opened, and his lips were firm and urgent against hers. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

She placed the healed crystal on the ground and wrapped her bare arms around his neck, shivering where they touched. She ran her tongue along his bottom lip and heard his moan, causing her heart to speed up. She couldn't get enough of him. 

He leaned back until he was laying on his back, and she followed, hovering over him. Everywhere their skin touched felt like it was on fire.

He rolled them to their sides so that they were facing one another. He stared at her and she couldn't look away. He brought one hand to her face, and she felt how it was trembling. His other arm wrapped around her with his hand resting on her back. He pulled her in closer to him, and her breath hitched. 

Their lips met again.

She placed one hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. She ran her other hand through his hair. The strands felt like silk, and he leaned into her touch. 

He started to talk. "What are we–"

Rey silenced him with a soft kiss. "Later," she said, kissing him again, "we can figure it out later." She didn't want to think. She wanted to _feel_.


	5. Chapter 5

Rey's lips were soft against his. Kylo wanted more, wanted whatever she would give him.

He moved his lips away from hers and pressed his lips against her cheek, her chin, her neck, her shoulder; her skin was warm against his lips. That she was allowing him to touch her felt unreal.

Rey tugged at his hair and brought his lips back up to hers. She tangled their legs together and rocked against his thigh. Through their bond he felt phantom sensations; her desire and pleasure were tangled up in his. 

His pants were tight against his straining cock. Each time she rocked against his thigh, he felt her rub against his cock. It was both too much and not enough.

He nuzzled into her neck. "Show me what feels good," he said, desperate to see her come undone.

Her breath hitched. "I don't know–"

"Turn around," he said. He wanted to see how she touched herself. 

She turned around, pressing her back into his front. He placed one hand low on her belly and the other in her hair. He trailed his lips down her neck, and she leaned into him, moaning softly.

"Show me what you like," he whispered into her ear, running his fingers through her hair. He was out of his element and needed direction.

Rey pushed her leggings down and he helped by pushing her tunic up. She pressed her palm against her mound in a slow, circular motion. "Like this," she said, her voice breathy. 

Watching her was almost enough.

_Almost_.

He replaced her hand with his, copying the motion he saw her use, softly at first, hesitant to put too much pressure on her clit. She was warm against his hand.

She moaned softly. "A bit harder," she said, pressing down on his hand with hers. Together, they discovered how she wanted to be touched. It was a heady feeling, touching her like this, coaxing sounds out of her that he had never heard from her before. 

He couldn't help but rock into her from behind. Feeling what he was doing, she pressed her ass back into him, and he groaned. Tentatively, he rubbed his fingers against her entrance and felt how wet she was. "Can I?" he asked.

"Yes," she rasped. 

Kylo slowly pushed one finger inside her, and it was engulfed in wet heat. "Good?" he asked.

She nodded.

He found a rhythm, moving his finger in and out of her in time with each thrust against her ass.

"More," she whimpered, "Touch my clit… I need–"

He brushed his thumb against her clit, and her breath caught. 

"Yes," she hissed, her legs trembling.

He kissed the back of her head. "Can you take another?" he asked, voice low.

"Yes," she said, panting. 

He pressed two fingers inside her and she clenched tightly around them. He imagined what she would feel like around his cock. They were so in sync that it reminded him of fighting together in the throne room. It had been like she was like she was an extension of him. He remembered how important it felt to protect her, how good it felt when he realized she could protect him in return.

She brought her fingers down to her clit and rubbed it as he thrust his fingers in and out of her. She made a keening sound and her legs started shaking. She was pulsing around his fingers. 

He kept thrusting his fingers, enraptured by the sounds she was making and the way her body pressed into his. Her presence was so overwhelmingly tied to his that he felt the ripples of her orgasam. His cock was rock hard against her.

"Enough," she said, bringing her hand to his, "too sensitive."

He stilled.

Her legs were still shaking, and she moaned, tilting her head back against his shoulder. She was panting. 

Reassured by her reaction, he pressed his lips against her forehead and pulled his fingers out. He heard her whimper, which brought a satisfied smile to his face. And then he brought his hand to his mouth and licked his fingers, tasting her for the first time. He had never felt this close to anyone before, had never _wanted_ to. 

But she was different.

They stayed like that, both of them breathing heavily and pressed into each other. _This is how it is supposed to be_ , he thought, _us together_.

He was unable to stop himself from grinding against her, his body searching for release. 

Rey turned around so she was facing him. She pushed on his shoulder until he was laying on his back. 

He felt dazed. His heart raced in anticipation. 

Slowly, she undid his pants and pushed them down – he lifted his hips to help – and the fabric caught on his cock, causing him to groan. Her hand touched his cock and he made a strangled sound. He was so sensitive to her touch. Rey's hand was unsteady as she worked it up and down his shaft. 

He took her hand in his.

She looked at him with confusion. "What–"

Her breath caught as he brought her hand to his mouth and licked. He moved her hand back down to his cock, and she stoked it again. 

He brought a hand to her breast, feeling it through the fabric of her tunic. She shivered at his touch. He caressed her breast and felt her nipple harden. The dual sensation of touching her and her touching him was bliss. She was so beautiful. 

He wasn't going to last long. "Faster," he said, panting.

"Like this?" she asked.

"A little more pressure," he said, groaning as she added just the right amount of pressure, "yes."

He moved his hand to her other breast and she bit back a moan. 

Unable to control himself any longer, he began thrusting frantically into her hand, and his vision blurred. He felt shockwaves through his system and then everything dissolved into pleasure. 

When he came back to himself, Rey was curled up into him, her head resting on his chest. He breathed heavily and pressed his lips against the top of her head, otherwise unable to move.

◇◇◇

Rey felt warm and content. She didn't want to move away from Kylo.

But they needed to clean up, and she had a lightsaber to finish repairing, so Rey started to sit up.

Kylo pulled her back into his arms and held her tighter against his chest. "Not yet," he said softly. 

Rey kissed his clavicle. "I need to finish the lightsaber."

He sighed and let go of her. "Fine, it'll take less time if I help." He sat up.

Being close to him made it difficult for her to think clearly. Her feelings were so tangled with his that she was unable to tell whose feelings were whose. When they were caught up in the moment, the intensity of it was intoxicating. 

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off she felt the need to hide. She had been so open and so vulnerable, and now it felt impossible to close herself off from him. She needed some distance, but Rey didn't want to leave the storage room yet. Their actions would feel more real once they left the privacy of this place, and Rey wasn't prepared to think about what had happened between them. Not yet.

They attempted to clean up with what was in the room. It wasn't perfect, their clothes were still rumpled, but at least the water and cloths allowed them to clean up as best as they could.

Rey moved back to the blanket and put the lightsaber pieces and the kyber crystal in the middle of it. The blanket was damp and wrinkled with evidence of what they had done. Rey felt herself flush.

Kylo sat across from her again. The air was thick with tension. He picked up one half of the broken hilt and examined it. "It's a clean break," Kylo said, running his fingers along the broken edge. "You should be able to sauder it together."

"I agree," Rey said. "Will it be strong enough?"

Kylo looked at her. "You might want to reinforce it," he said.

Rey stood up, remembering something she found in one of the crates. She walked across the room and felt Kylo's eyes on her. She hoped he wasn't paying close enough attention to notice the contents of the crate. It was an eclectic mix of objects – toys, old clothes, and tools – but it had something that she thought would work for her lightsaber. There was a leather belt that was in good condition. She picked it up and went back to Kylo. 

He stared at the belt.

"What?" Rey asked.

"Nothing," he said, avoiding eye-contact. "I think that will work."

Rey was able to sauder the broken pieces together with the tools they had. The belt had to be cut, but once it was, it was the perfect fit to reinforce to hilt. 

All that was left was the crystal.

"How do I–"

"The Jedi use the Force to build their lightsabers," he said, and there was an unnatural stillness to him. "You'll need to meditate."

Rey opened herself up to the Force and allowed herself to feel the crystal and all of the other components of her lightsaber. The crystal sang to her in a way that sounded joyful; it was like it knew how everything needed to fit together. Her eyes were closed, but she felt the pieces float. The energy chamber opened and the crystal slotted into place. 

Now complete, she brought the lightsaber to her with the Force. It felt _right_ in her hand in a way that it hadn't before. 

Rey looked at Kylo and saw that he was staring at her, not the lightsaber. She couldn't read the expression on his face.

"Time to see if it works," Rey said, letting out a breath. She ignited the blade and was surprised to see that it was no longer the same bright blue that it was before. The blade was now a brilliant white with a hint of blue around its edges.

"Beautiful," she thought she heard him say under his breath.

"Why did the colour change?" Rey asked. She'd never heard of anyone having a while lightsaber before.

"It's from healing the crystal," he answered. "White lightsabers are rare, but not unheard of."

"It feels more like it's mine," she said, staring at the blade. 

The first time she touched this lightsaber it had frightened her with the visions it showed her. She always felt like she was borrowing it, that it had a history that didn't belong to her. That's why she tried to give it to Luke, and that was why Kylo wanted the lightsaber, why he thought he had the right to it. She wondered what he thought now.

"It is yours," Kylo said, surprising her with his words. He looked at her with such a soft and warm expression. It was the same way he looked at her when their fingers touched on Ahch-To, when she saw something in him that gave her hope.

◇◇◇

There was a fragile serenity in the room. 

"Now what?" Kylo asked, tearing Rey's attention away from the welcome distraction of her lightsaber. 

"I'm getting hungry," she said, trying to remember how long it had been since she last ate.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. "That's not what I meant."

Rey feared that she knew what he meant and dreaded having that conversation. Right now there were many possible outcomes, and she preferred the _chance_ of a positive outcome to the _experience_ of a negative outcome. "What did you mean?" she asked, brows pinched together. 

"Us," he said.

Rey's eyes widened slightly. That word made her feel uncomfortable. He had disappointed her once before, and as much she wanted to believe this time was different, she knew she needed to remain guarded. "I'm with the Resistance," she reminded him. He had to know what lines she wasn't willing to cross.

His lips pressed together in a slight grimace. "I know," he said.

"And you're not," she said, wanting nothing more than for him to deny her words, to offer to join her.

"I'm not," he said, his shoulders slumping. 

_Stupid,_ she thought, _how could I let myself hope anything changed? Just because we–_

Rey felt a sudden onset of nausea. _Does he think I will join him? Is that why he – no, he can't think that I will betray the Resistance._

"You want to be Supreme Leader. This," Rey said, gesturing between the two of them, "doesn't change anything." She tried to keep her voice cold and indifferent, but she wasn't able to stop her voice from shaking. They couldn't be an 'us'. She couldn't allow herself to hope for anything different.

"Right." Kylo looked away. "Nothing has changed," he said, voice flat.

Her chest tightened. She wondered how he could be so unaffected by her. "We'll go our separate ways once we land," she said, trying not to show the way his words tore into her.

"Never thought otherwise," he said with his back to her, and then he walked towards the door. "We should go to the refresher and do a better job of cleaning up. I assume you don't want anyone to know about this."

Rey flinched. "That would be best," she agreed. She didn't need anyone to tell her how foolish her actions were. She did that well enough herself.

◇◇◇

Rey and Kylo found Poe and Finn in the main hold. They stood in the corner and Poe was leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Finn was facing Poe, so all Rey could see was his back. 

Rey knew the moment Poe spotted them because he straightened and put his hand on his blaster. Finn turned around and did the same. 

"I'm going to go see Chewie. Could you two…?" Rey asked, nodding in Kylo's direction. 

"Sure," Poe said, shrugging. "Did you fix your lightsaber?"

"I did. I'll show it to you later." Rey gave a small smile and even though she had been ecstatic about it moments before, her smile didn't reach her eyes.

Finn looked at her with concern. 

Rey put her hand on Finn's shoulder. "I'll talk to you both later," she said. Before Finn, Poe, or worse, Kylo could say anything, Rey turned away and walked to the cockpit. 

She needed space.

Rey felt Kylo's eyes follow her as she left. She felt a mix of disappointment and relief from him. He was probably disappointed that he had to spend some time with Finn and Poe, but relieved to have time away from her. 

They didn't want the same things.

◇◇◇

Rey felt bad that she hadn't seen Chewie much since the rest of the Resistance arrived. She joined him in the cockpit and sat next to him. 

He greeted her with a big smile that she had difficulty returning. She felt her lips tremble.

Chewie made an inquiring sound.

"I'm fine," Rey said with a shaky voice. "The last few days have been a lot. I need a break."

" _Ben,"_ Chewie growled, saying Kylo's old name.

"Was it a mistake to bring him with me?" she asked. 

Chewie shrugged. " _You tell me._ "

"No," she exhaled, "it was the right thing to do." Despite everything that happened, she didn't want him dead. The very idea caused her stomach to tighten. "Soon he'll be gone."

_"You sound disappointed,"_ Chewie said with a groan.

"You're the only other person who knows what happened – the full story of what happened. I'm sorry I got your hopes up. I was wrong about him. He's safe for now, but he's going to get himself killed trying to take over the First Order."

Chewie moaned sadly and didn't disagree with her.

Rey felt her eyes dampen. 

Chewie stood up, grabbing Rey's attention. He picked up a porg and put it in her lap. 

Rey gave Chewie a startled smile and then looked down at the porg. It stared back at her with its wide eyes. She ruffled the feathers on its head and it made a cooing sound. 

Chewie laughed, happily. She suspected that he was fonder of the porgs than he let on. 

◇◇◇

The porg was helping. They were pests, but there was something comforting about petting one. She supposed they were pretty cute. Rey had never had a pet before and now there was no shortage. They multiplied quickly.

The porg gave her something to focus on other than Kylo. She felt him so acutely. Their bond felt stronger than it had ever felt before. She hoped it was temporary or there was a way to shut it off. 

The door opened and Rey was relieved to see Leia. 

Leia greeted Chewie warmly and turned to Rey. "There you are," she said with a smile. 

Chewie told them he was going to get some food left the cockpit. Leia took his vacated seat. 

Leia put her hand on Rey's arm. "Thank you," she said, squeezing gently.

Rey's brow wrinkled. "For what?" she asked.

"Bringing my son with you," Leia said. 

Rey shook her head. "He's not really with us." At least not the way Rey had hoped he would be when she got in that escape pod and sent herself to the _Supremacy_. 

"I know," Leia said, turning her body forward and looking outside at the stars. She had a pensive look at her face.

"I thought he would turn," Rey admitted with a soft voice. _Leia deserves the truth,_ Rey thought. 

Leia sighed and turned back to Rey. "Seeing him here, I have more hope than I thought possible," she said, eyes shining. 

"How can you have hope when he's determined to become the Supreme Leader?" Rey asked. 

"He's still my son… I can still see the boy he was in the man," Leia said. 

"That's not enough," Rey said, petting the porg.

"Maybe not," Leia said. She leaned towards Rey and held her gaze. "But I'll sleep easier knowing he's not as far gone as Darth Vader was." Some of the tension had left Leia's body. She still had the weight of her responsibility as one of the few surviving leaders in the Resistance; they had suffered heavy losses. This was an older tension that had been so ingrained in Leia that Rey hadn't noticed it until she saw its absence. "I've felt true evil before, and my son's not it."

Rey agreed with Leia's words. She knew that Kylo wasn't evil. "Knowing there's Light in him… It hurts more that he chose the Dark."

"It's not your responsibility to turn him. Only he can make that choice," Leia said, her voice serious.

Rey had wanted to be enough, and it hurt that she hadn't been. 

The door opened and Chewie came back inside. The porg hopped off her lap and scurried over to Chewie. 

◇◇◇

It was obvious that Rey wanted to get away from him. Kylo didn't say anything because space was something he could use too. It was difficult to think clearly with her near; he lost sight of what really mattered – power – and focused on her and took joy in every smile. She was a weakness. 

Snoke wasn't wrong to order him to kill her.

But the thought of killing her – of her being _gone_ – was unbearable. The first time he laid eyes on her, in the woods of Takodana, put a face to a presence he had felt for most of his life. It was a presence he took solace in. She was determined when he felt hopeless, joyful when he felt despair, and strong when he felt weak. 

His presence must have frightened her. When he removed his mask she must have thought that she finally had a face for the monster that had been haunting her. 

"Why is Rey upset? What did you do?" Finn asked, jaw tight.

Kylo tensed. "She's your friend. Shouldn't you ask her?" he asked.

"If you hurt her, I'll make sure you regret it," Finn said, learning forward. "You shouldn't be here." He shook his head. 

"I never _wanted_ to be here," Kylo said, sneering.

"Then why did you come?" Poe asked. 

Kylo's gaze flicked upward. "She didn't give me a choice," he said. He could have told them the truth, that she brought him here while he was unconscious, but that would raise more questions. He didn't want to talk about her.

Kylo noticed Chewbacca walk through the room. He wondered if Rey was alone now. 

◇◇◇

Poe and Finn gave him a break from their questions. They were a few steps away, talking to each other quietly. If he strained, he could have heard what they were saying, but he didn't particularly care. 

"Goodness! Look, Artoo," a familiar voice said, sounding excited, "it's Ben Solo." C-3PO came into the main hold, followed by R2-D2.

R2-D2 made an alarmed beeping sound. 

Kylo was surprised to see the familiar protocol droid. He was even more surprised to see R2-D2. Luke must have left his astromech behind when he went into hiding, which was unlike him. He took R2-D2 _everywhere_. 

Poe and Finn looked even more surprised than he felt. They would have known that the droids were on board, so it was likely their familiarity with him that caught them off guard.

"We can trust him! You've gotten paranoid in your old age." C-3PO said to R2-D2. He turned to Kylo. "I apologize for Artoo-Detoo. He must have a short circuit."

"It's fine, Threepio," Kylo said. R2-D2 was at the Jedi temple. He knew what happened, but for some reason, he had never shared that information with C-3PO. Nobody had. 

"It's so good to see you, sir!" C-3PO said. 

Kylo wasn't used to anyone being so excited to see him. Kylo Ren inspired fear, and Ben Solo had made everyone uneasy because of his power. C-3PO last saw him when he was a child, and here he was, treating him the same way he always had. Kylo shuffled uncomfortably. 

R2-D2 ran into C-3PO's legs. His beeps sounded distressed. 

"Artoo, your behaviour is uncalled for!" C-3PO admonished. "I'm sorry, sir, we'll have to catch up later. Artoo-Detoo appears to be malfunctioning."

"It's okay," Kylo said, "I'll see you later." He watched the droids argue as they left. 

"You didn't tell him that you're Kylo Ren," Poe said. He raised his eyebrows.

Kylo shrugged. "It's kinder this way," he said.

"Never would have thought that Kylo Ren cared about being _kind_ ," Poe said, snorting.

"I have no reason to hurt Threepio," Kylo said. 

Finn's eyes narrowed. "Since when do you need a reason?" he asked.

"I've always needed a reason," Kylo admitted. He had killed out of anger and because of orders, tortured to get information, and lashed out to intimidate. He never savored causing pain in the way Snoke wanted. It was one of his weaknesses. 

Since he woke up on the _Millenium Falcon_ , he hadn't lashed out violently in the way that was typical for him. His emotions were heightened and he was under a great deal of stress, but he wasn't as volatile as he was used to being. 

Only two things had changed. Snoke was dead, which meant that his voice was no longer in his head and there was no pressure to please him; he had the freedom to make his own choices. And the void left by Snoke was filled with something else, by _someone_ else. Rey's bright presence was stronger than ever, and it kept getting stronger. Not for the first time, he wondered what the limitations of their bond were. He was now certain that Snoke lied about creating it, but that left him wondering how it came to be. 

The sight of Chewbacca walking back to the cockpit tore him away from his thoughts. He wondered when he would see Rey again.

"Something has been bothering me about Tuanul," Finn said. He sounded hesitant. "You saw that I didn't fire. I _know_ you did."

"Your point?" Kylo asked. 

"You didn't kill or report me. Why?" Finn crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. 

Kylo exhaled. "I made a judgement call." He remembered looking at the stormtrooper and then turning away. He could have easily killed him on the spot, but something – maybe the Force – stopped him. "I had no reason to," he said. 

"You're not what I expected," Finn said. 

Kylo opened his mouth to respond, but closed it abruptly. He felt Rey coming close and then he saw her enter the main hold. He tried to catch her eye, but she refused to look at him. 

Poe and Finn followed his gaze and saw Rey. She didn't look at them either. 

Instead, she walked over to Kaydel. They exchanged words and then left the room together. 

Kylo felt the pang of loss. Their _distance_ felt wrong, which he took as a sign that he had gotten too comfortable here. The sooner he left, the better. 

"What's so great about the First Order anyway?" Poe asked.

Kylo looked at Poe. "It's not about the First Order," he said. 

Poe glanced at Finn and then starred at Kylo. "I know I'm going to regret asking, but if it's not about the First Order, then what _is_ it about?" He tilted his head to the side. 

"Power," Kylo answered.

Power was what he had worked for all his years with Snoke. He struggled. He suffered. He sacrificed. Power was his due. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to [kasiopea-star-wars](https://kasiopea-star-wars.tumblr.com) for inspiring me with her brilliant post-TROS comic. Without it I may not have included C-3PO in this story. Check it out from the beginning on Tumblr: [part I](https://kasiopea-star-wars.tumblr.com/post/618750672765173760/the-story-was-right-there-ready-begging-to-be).


	6. Chapter 6

Rey felt Kylo's eyes on her and did her best not to react. A small part of her wanted to close the distance between them, but the larger and more rational part of her knew that she needed to stay away from him. They wanted different things, so it was better if they limited their interactions as much as possible. It would make things easier if they ever had to fight again.

And they likely would have to fight. The Supreme Leader was the enemy of the Resistance. If Kylo Ren succeeded and became the next Supreme Leader, he would be her enemy. 

Rey went over to Kaydel, who was on the other side of the main hold, far away from Kylo, Finn, and Poe, and hoped for a distraction. "Can I help with anything?" she asked. 

Kaydel raised her eyebrows. "Aren't you guarding our wannabe Supreme Leader?"

"I need some space," Rey said, shrugging, trying to look nonchalant, "besides, Finn and Poe have him covered."

"I'm going to see Rose," Kaydel said. She gave Rey an assessing look, like she was trying to figure out why she was now avoiding Kylo and whether it was something the Resistance needed to worry about. "You can come with me." 

"Thanks," Rey said with a relieved smile.

◇◇◇

Rey and Kaydel met Rose in the crew quarters. Even though Ross's condition had improved, she needed rest to aid her recovery. Rey sat with Kaydel on the bunk across from Rose, who was laying down, her head resting on a massive pile of pillows. Rey wondered where they had even found that many pillows on the _Falcon_. 

The conversation quickly moved in the direction of Rey’s lightsaber repairs. She admitted she had fixed it, and Rose asked if she could see it. Rey was reluctant to show it off, but Rose’s enthusiasm was convincing. 

Rey ignited her lightsaber and felt like a part of her soul was on display. 

Rose was wide-eyed as she stared at the lightsaber. "I thought it was supposed to be blue?" she asked. 

"It was," Rey answered, "but when we healed the kyber crystal, the colour changed."

" _We_?" Kaydel asked, zeroing in on the information Rey hoped would be ignored.

"Kylo and I healed the crystal together," Rey said, her face reddening at the memory of healing the crystal and what came after. 

"I thought he was going to show you how to repair the lightsaber – not repair it with you," Rose said.

"So did I," Rey admitted, "but I needed his help."

Kaydel raised her eyebrows. "How did you convince him to _help_ you?" she asked.

"He wants his lightsaber back. That's all there is to it," Rey said, and while there was some truth to what she said, she knew that wasn’t the only reason he helped her. 

Rose looked like she accepted Rey's words as truth, but Kaydel looked skeptical. She knew more than almost anyone on this ship except for Chewie and Leia. Though Kaydel knew something they didn’t – she was the only one who knew about the kiss.

"Could we see his lightsaber?" Rose asked.

Kaydel crossed her arms. "Why do you want to see Kylo Ren's lightsaber?" she asked with a hint of disbelief in her voice.

"It has nothing to do with _him_ ," Rose explained, sitting up with a wince, "lightsabers are like something out of a story."

"This isn't a story," Rey said. The lightsaber wasn't hers, and with how personal it felt to show her own, she didn't feel like she had the _right_ to show his.

And death clung to the blade like an echo. "His blade has killed a lot of people," Rey continued. She was starting to realize that death clung to Kylo as well, but he didn't relish it the way she expected.

"Sorry,” Rose said, deflating a little, “I got caught up in the excitement of seeing another lightsaber, so I forgot about the pain that lightsaber caused you. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

"Don't worry about it," Rey said, softening her voice to be reassuring. She hadn't been thinking about her own bad memories. That all felt like such a long time ago.

But it wasn’t. 

So much had changed so quickly. Kylo was no longer only the enemy who had taken her prisoner, killed his own father, and severely injured Finn. He was the person who comforted her when she felt alone, who understood her struggle with the Light and the Dark, and who turned against his master instead of killing her. 

In a way it was worse. Knowing he was more than a monster in a mask meant that she couldn’t hate him. 

"My sister used to say that I would get so caught up in things that interest me – technology, problems I need to solve, stories – that I would forget about people," Rose said. 

Rey hadn’t known that Rose had a sister. "What happened to your sister?" she asked.

Rose looked away. "I lost her during the evacuation,” she said, her voice small. “She died so that we could escape."

"I didn't know," Rey said, and the words felt inadequate. She wished there was something she could say to ease Rose’s loss, but Rey knew loss. She knew that words couldn’t fill the hole left by the people who were gone. 

"Sometimes I look over my shoulder and expect to see her next to me. Having her gone… it doesn't feel real,” Rose said. She looked up at Rey and Kaydel. “Does that change?" she asked. 

"In my experience you adjust to the loss and those moments become less frequent,” Kaydel said, leaning forward, “but they never really go away." 

"My sister was fearless,” Rose said, her eyes shining. “I admired her so much."

"She admired you just as much," Kaydel said with a firm voice. 

"You don't know–"

"I do," Kaydel said. She went to Rose's bedside and put her hand on her shoulder, offering comfort. "She told me what you did… how smart you are." 

"You've been pretty brave yourself," Rey added. She may not have known Rose for long, but what she did know was impressive. "You and Finn told me all about Canto Bight and sneaking aboard the _Supremacy_. Very few people are that brave."

Rose gave a small smile, but her chin was trembling. Rey was glad that Kaydel was there to take the lead in offering Rose comfort. She didn’t have experience supporting others through their grief. 

It appeared that Kaydel did. 

◇◇◇

For a while Rose and Kaydel spoke about their families. Rey felt out of place because she had nothing to share about her family. They must have picked up on her discomfort because they moved on to talking about their childhoods. 

None of them were able to go back to the homes they grew up in, but they all had fond memories. Rose’s home was perfect for hide-and-seek. She often won because there were so many narrow spaces that only fit her. Kaydel lived near a park, so she was always outside with friends. Rey mentioned the rebel pilot helmet she had, and Rose told her that it was a sign that she was meant to join the Resistance. 

It was nice to talk about the good things in their lives. Sometimes it was too easy to forget.

◇◇◇

Kaydel had been quiet for a while. 

She must have noticed Rey's attention because she turned towards her. "I made a mistake mutinying with Poe," Kaydel admitted, hunching her shoulders. "I need to regain the General's trust." She looked down into her lap.

“You’ll earn her trust,” Rey said confidently. One of the first things she learned about Kaydel was how dedicated she was to the Resistance. Leia must have seen it too.

“I hope so,” Kaydel said, uncertain.

"Everyone makes mistakes,” Rey said. She reached over and clasped Kaydel's arm. “I've made some too." 

Kaydel didn't ask what those mistakes were, but Rey suspected that she had an idea of what those mistakes were. 

◇◇◇

As a child Rey hadn't spent much time with other girls. Over the years that hadn't changed. She had relied only on herself, and she had fed herself the lie that it didn't matter that she was alone because her family was coming back. 

Until she met Finn. 

He was her first friend, and along with BB-8, the catalyst for the rapid changes to her life that followed. She left Jakku for the first time since she was abandoned, found the legacy lightsaber, met Kylo Ren, discovered her Force sensitivity, and joined the Resistance.

And then she went to Ahch-To intending to find a teacher in Luke Skywalker, but instead found understanding from Kylo Ren. She had thought she understood him too. 

After so many changes, Rey wasn't prepared for more, but spending time with Kaydel and Rose was unlike any of her previous experiences. She could see herself becoming friends with them.

◇◇◇

Rose grew tired, and they all decided to get some rest. Kaydel convinced Rey to bunk with her, that Poe could handle Kylo, so Rey agreed. 

When Rey closed her eyes, she felt Kylo so intensely that it was like he was laying next to her. Unwilling to face the possibility that their bond connected them, Rey kept her eyes shut and turned away from his presence. 

It was a long time before she fell asleep.

◇◇◇

It was already the afternoon and Rey hadn't seen Kylo yet. She assumed that Kaydel was in contact with Poe and had been running interference. She was grateful for the distance.

Rey wasn't grateful for the stormcloud of emotions that followed her everywhere. She acknowledged that some of that emotion was hers – she was emotionally raw from everything that happened since she left Jakku – but a lot of it was Kylo. 

Kaydel hadn't asked her why she was avoiding Kylo even though Rey could tell that she was dying to ask.

◇◇◇

A wave of frustration hit Rey.

_Kylo_ , she thought, _do you have to feel so loudly?_

_You don't have to listen,_ Kylo thought back, sounding annoyed.

Rey hadn't expected a response. She tried to block him out, but nothing worked. 

◇◇◇

After Rey left with Kaydel, Kylo didn't see her for the rest of the night. 

In her absence Poe took the lead on guard duty. He left him with Finn a few times in the night – Kylo assumed Poe had other responsibilities – but other Resistance members kept their distance. Some watched him so closely that he guessed they were also on guard duty, but they never approached. 

Even with some distance, Rey dominated his thoughts. It didn't help that he felt spikes of sadness and shame from her. She clearly regretted letting him touch her. 

He had allowed her to see too much of himself – his desire for connection and his weakness for her – but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. The memory of their time was worth whatever consequences followed. 

He was weak for her, but she wasn't weak for him. Despite their connection, they were dangerously unbalanced. He couldn't allow her to realize how vulnerable he was. 

◇◇◇

Their bond opened as he was falling asleep. He opened his eyes and saw that she was beside him, facing away. Her breaths were even, too unnaturally even to genuinely be asleep. Her hair was in that odd three bun style she favoured. 

He wanted to reach towards her and–

No. 

He knew his presence wasn't welcome. She was feigning sleep, so he would take the hint.

Sleep did not come easily.

◇◇◇

Rey wasn't at breakfast. Kylo tried to tell himself that he wasn't disappointed. 

◇◇◇

Kylo wasn't _sulking_. 

He wanted to wipe that knowing smirk off Poe's face, but thought better of it. Reacting to Poe's words would give him more ammunition. 

He was relieved when Finn drew Poe into a discussion. 

◇◇◇

Poe agreed to take Kylo back to the hidden storage room. 

(He had called it Kylo's _hiding spot._ )

Wanting space and hiding were two very different things. Kylo wasn't afraid of the Resistance. 

He had more than one reason to go back to the storage room. In the number three hold there used to be a subspace transceiver. If it was still there and in working order, he would have a way to contract the Knights of Ren. He wanted them to be waiting for him when they landed.

Once he had a way to communicate, all he needed was to confirm which of the three possible locations the Resistance had decided on. His mom and Poe were smart to keep that information from him. Sending the Knights of Ren to different parts of the Outer Rim would delay their journey back to the First Order. It would be better if all his knights met him together.

◇◇◇

Beaumont greeted them when they entered the number three hold. The Resistance members he had been talking to left the room as soon as they saw Kylo.

That left him alone with Poe and Beaumont.

He needed to distract Poe and Beaumont so that he could check the transceiver.

◇◇◇

Unfortunately, Kylo had Beaumont’s undivided attention. 

Most of his questions about the Force were harmless, so Kylo didn’t mind answering, but some were a bit too pointed. Those were the questions that grabbed Poe’s attention. 

Beaumont had a lot of questions about the differences between the Jedi and the Sith.

“You mentioned Jedi becoming Sith, but what about Sith becoming Jedi?” Beaumont asked. 

“There weren’t many.”

“That’s what makes individuals like Revan so compelling,” Beaumont said.

“Who’s Revan?” Poe asked. 

“He was a Sith,” Kylo said, surprised to hear that name. “And he only became a Jedi again because the Jedi Council wiped his memories.”

“Are you sure about that?” Beaumont asked, one eyebrow quirked up. “I think it was more complicated. He had a powerful Force bond with Bastila Shan, the Jedi Knight who saved his life.”

"How can a Sith bond with a Jedi?" Poe asked.

"I'm not sure," Kylo answered. He wondered if his bond with Rey was anything like the bond Revan shared with Bastila Shan. The accounts he read of them varied greatly. 

"They married," Beaumont added. "It was a very unconventional bond."

Kylo didn't like the look Poe was giving him. "In the account I read, Revan disappeared into the Unknown Regions. They didn't have a happy ending."

"And then Shan followed him into the Unknown Regions. It would be a romantic ending if she found him and they lived out their lives together," Beaumont said. 

"And left their children? Never letting them know what happened?" Kylo asked. Their story was filled with suffering not romance. 

"There are many accounts, but none of them are complete. Maybe one day we'll learn more," Beaumont said wistfully. 

Kylo didn't bother responding. There were more important things to worry about than incorrect interpretations of history. He needed to check the transceiver without getting caught.

◇◇◇

_Kylo, do you have to feel so loudly?_ Rey's voice asked in his mind.

_You don't have to listen,_ Kylo thought back.

◇◇◇

Rey's presence was getting closer, and he could feel that she was _not_ happy.

When she arrived, she walked up to him, looked him in the eye and said, "We need to talk."

Poe looked surprised by her sudden arrival. Kylo wondered what role he played in making sure their paths hadn't crossed. 

"I have nothing to say to you," Kylo said, crossing his arms.

"It is in both of our best interests to learn how to block each other out." Rey gestured between the two of them. "Nothing I have tried has worked."

"How is that my problem?" he asked. She didn't want him as a teacher.

"I wouldn't think the future Supreme Leader would want me knowing _everything he feels_ ," Rey said, her tone sharp.

Kylo frowned. "You don't know _everything._ "

"I know more than I would like," Rey said, grimacing. 

Kylo raised his eyebrows. "Again, that's your problem not mine," he said, shrugging. He knew she was right, but he wasn't going to _admit_ it.

"Can you feel each other without actively trying to?" Beaumont asked, walking closer to Rey and Kylo. 

Kylo tensed at the question. Beaumont was far too interested in him and Rey, and he knew enough about the Force to figure out at least some of what they hadn't told anyone. His mention of Revan and Bastila Shan was a little too relevant.

Rey glared at Beaumont. 

Beaumont raised his hands. "None of my business. Got it." He backed up. 

"Is this like one of those Force bonds you were talking about earlier?" Poe asked. 

Kylo sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation with Rey, but he _definitely_ didn't want to have this conversation with Rey in front of Poe and Beaumont. "Fine. Let's talk in private."

Rey nodded and opened the hidden door.

Beaumont jumped in surprise, and Poe put his arm over Beaumont' shoulder and walked him out of the room. Kylo was concerned about what Poe would find out from Beaumont, but he was far more worried about facing Rey. 

◇◇◇

The door shut and they were alone. 

Rey tried not to think about what had happened the last time they were alone in this room. "It's stronger," she said.

"I know," Kylo said.

" _Why_ is it stronger?" she asked. 

"I think you can guess," Kylo said. She saw his gaze move to the blanket that she had folded and put away.

Rey dragged her eyes away from the blanket and looked at Kylo. "How do we block each other out?"

"I don't know," he said, his voice flat. 

She felt her eyes widen. His answer surprised her because she never thought he would ever admit to ignorance – especially not ignorance about the Force. "You don't know any shielding?" she asked, hoping for a solution. 

"I do," he said, which was a relief. 

Rey looked at him, waiting for more of an explanation. 

"But this is different," he continued. "Whatever type of connection we have, it's powerful."

"How do we still have it with Snoke gone?" she asked, voicing a question that she had been wondering about for a while. 

"You know as well as I do that he had nothing to do with the bond," he said. 

"How long have we had the bond?"

Kylo hesitated. "I'm not sure… but I suspect it has always been there."

His answer confirmed her suspicions. It had always felt like something was missing, and she had thought that was her parents, but the first time she saw his face something clicked. He was familiar in a way that was disconcerting. Captors weren't supposed to be _familiar_. 

"What can we do?" she asked.

"Meditate."

"Are you serious?" she asked. Rey wanted to do something, not sit together and wait for answers. She was tired of waiting.

"Do you have a better idea?"

Rey sighed. "We'll try meditating," she agreed. 

Kylo nodded. 

They sat on the ground facing each other. Rey took in a deep breath and tried not to feel aprehensive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank's for waiting! The next chapter will be posted sooner. I had to up the chapter count again.


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo wanted guidance from the Force. Rey had asked for a way to block their connection, and having no arguments against that idea, he had agreed. Meditation would allow them to listen to the Force free of distraction. 

In theory. 

In practice, Rey was a shining beacon that stole all of his attention. The Force could be screaming at him, like rapids crashing against rocks, but he wouldn't hear it over the sound of her soul singing to him. 

He felt a mental nudge. _This isn't working,_ Rey said.

_Be patient._

_You are telling me to be patient?_ Rey asked, her tone indignant. 

_Yes,_ Kylo said, _unless you have a better idea?_

He took Rey's lack of response to mean that she _didn't_ have any better ideas. 

◇◇◇

They were drifting down a river together, neither of them fighting the current. The water was cool, but the warmth from the sun meant that it was comfortably cool. It was peaceful. 

So, of course, it didn't last. 

_I've got it,_ Rey said, startling him out of the vision that had taken hold.

Kylo felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. The river was gone, and his awareness of the _Falcon_ had returned. _What?_ he asked, keeping his eyes closed.

_It didn't work when I tried to put up a mental barrier,_ Rey said.

_Right…_

_We have to let each other in._

That wasn't what he expected her to say. _Isn't that the_ opposite _of what we're trying to do?_ he asked.

_I thought so too, but by letting you in, I gain more control of how I feel you. I can push you far enough away that it's almost like you aren't there._

_That won't block our connection,_ Kylo warned.

_But it'll stop us from having to feel each other so intensely. Isn't that what we want? Rey_ asked.

_We can try it,_ he reluctantly agreed. 

_I already am,_ she said, which surprised him. Nothing felt different on his end. 

_I can talk to you,_ Rey continued _, but that's it. Everything else has gone quiet._

While Kylo felt the sting of rejection, he was relieved that her sense of him had gone quiet. He didn't want her to know how tight his chest was or how uncomfortably hot he felt. He didn't like the idea of letting her in, risking her seeing too much. 

But he also didn't want to let her in only to push her away. 

_Have you tried it?_ Rey asked, her question interrupting his thoughts. 

_Not yet._

_What are you waiting for? s_ he asked, sounding impatient. 

_Give me a moment,_ he answered _._ His posture had become rigid. He tried to force himself to relax, which only made him tense up further. 

He breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. He did it again. 

Once more they were drifting along the river, side-by-side. He didn't want to disrupt the peace, but he had to let her in somehow. 

He reached out to the Force for an answer. 

The river changed. The current sped up and at the end of the river there was now a steep drop. His instincts told him to fight against the current. He looked over at Rey and saw that she wasn't fighting. He wanted to grab her and get out, but he remembered what she said. 

_By letting you in, I gain more control of how I feel you._

Against his instincts, Kylo let them both fall over the edge and sink into the water below. 

There was a sharp sting as he hit the water. Fully submerged, he felt himself panic. Kylo looked for Rey and once he located her, he grabbed her by the waist and started swimming towards the surface. They were so deep there was no way they could reach the surface in time. They were going to–

Wait.

He didn't need to breathe, he realized. 

And neither did she. 

He knew what Rey wanted him to do, so he let go of her and watched her sink deeper into the water. His sense of her dimmed as the distance grew.

She was wrong. Letting her in didn't give him more control. 

It made it easier to lose sight of her. 

◇◇◇

Kylo opened his eyes and saw Rey staring at him. 

"Did it work?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," he answered honestly. 

Rey narrowed her eyes. "Can you feel me the same as before?" 

"I still feel you, but you're more… muted," he explained.

Rey nodded. "Then it worked. I think this is as good as it's going to get for now." She sighed. "We can try again later to see if there's a way for us to stop feeling anything at all."

"Short of one of us dying, I don't think that's possible," Kylo said, his voice serious.

A troubled look passed over Rey's face. "Then this will have to be enough."

◇◇◇

Rey brought him to the number two hold. There wasn't a lot of food. He saw bread and the ration bars Rey found. He hoped they were landing soon.

For more reasons than just food. 

◇◇◇

Poe and Kaydel joined them while they ate. Kylo didn't know how to react to Poe. He was equal parts hostile and friendly. He trusted the hostility far more.

At least with Kaydel he always knew what to expect. She didn't like or trust him, so she avoided talking to him, which suited him fine. He didn't want to talk to her either. Tense silence didn't bother him; he was used to it.

Pointed questions and jokes _did_ bother him. With the First Order he lashed out the former and never had to engage with the latter – nobody dared to joke with Kylo Ren. 

Poe Dameron appeared to be the exception to that rule. And his irreverence influenced the rest of the Resistance. He doubted Finn would talk to him or Beaumont would question him about the Force without Poe there to break the tension. 

◇◇◇

The conversation stopped. Poe and Kaydel were looking over Kylo's shoulder. He saw Rey's eyes widen.

Kylo felt a presence that he would recognize anywhere. "Hi, mom," he said as he heard her approach.

"Ben, it's good to see you spending time with members of the Resistance without any bloodshed," she said, her voice dry. 

Kylo turned towards her and saw a slight smile on her face. "I'll save that for later," he said with a shrug. "I prefer a fair fight."

His mom pulled up one of the boxes that was being used as a makeshift chair and sat between Kylo and Poe. She turned to Poe. "I hate to tear you away from a meal, but we need to coordinate. We'll be landing tomorrow."

_"Already?"_ Rey asked, her head drawing back stiffly.

"Yes," his mom answered, "and it's good timing. We're running low on supplies."

Kylo looked down at what was left of his ration bar. He didn't know if it was the age of the bar or the poor quality, but it was incredibly bland and tough to eat. Without credits or the First Order behind him, it would be a long time until he had a good meal again. For the Resistance it would likely be longer. They had few options and fewer resources. It almost wasn't worth the First Order's time to go after them.

They weren't the threat they wanted to be, not now, not when their survival was uncertain. 

"Lieutenant Connix," his mom said, "Captain Dameron and I will need your help."

"I'm still a Lieutenant?" Kaydel asked with a tentative smile.

"You've learned from your mistakes," his mom said.

"But I'm still a Captain?" Poe asked, scrunching his nose. 

"Lieutenant Connix picks up on things quicker than you," his mom said lightly. "Be patient,” she continued with a more serious tone. “I suspect your demotion won't last long."

Poe nodded. The way he hung on her every word showed how much her opinion mattered to him. 

Kylo was surprised to hear that Poe had been demoted. His mom clearly trusted him and held him in high esteem. He must have made a serious mistake. Kylo doubted the mistake would be repeated.

"Ben," his mom said, turning to him, "I'd like to speak with you tomorrow morning before we land."

Kylo nodded in response. His throat was uncomfortably dry. 

"Good," his mom said. She turned to Poe and Kaydel. "Let's get to work." She stood up and left, Poe and Kaydel following behind her after rushed goodbyes. 

Kylo's gaze lingered on the spot his mom vacated. He didn't know how to react to her presence. There was anger, guilt, hurt, and disappointment, but there was also relief – relief that she was alive – that she had _survived_ . He felt echoes of her pain whenever she looked at him, but he had no idea what she _thought_ of him. It bothered him that he cared. 

Rey was looking down at her food, not paying attention to him. 

Kylo sighed and had another bite of his ration bar. They were landing soon, and he needed to prepare. 

◇◇◇

Kylo finished eating and started cleaning up. He threw away the wrapper from his ration bar, looked up, and saw Chewbacca enter the room. 

Chewbacca met his eyes for a moment and then looked away. He quickly collected his food and left. 

Kylo sat back down beside Rey.

"Why don't you talk to him?" Rey asked. She must have caught him staring. 

"He doesn't want to talk to me," Kylo said, looking down at his lap. 

"But you want to talk to him?" she asked, picking up on what he wasn't saying.

Kylo looked at her. "It doesn't matter," he said.

Rey’s eyes narrowed. "I think it does. This may be your only chance." She nodded in the direction of the cockpit. "Come on. If it goes badly, we'll leave. This is your last night here." She looked at him expectantly.

"Fine," he agreed reluctantly.

◇◇◇

Chewbacca growled when Kylo and Rey entered the cockpit. 

Kylo was right that Chewbacca didn't want to see him. He wanted to leave, but when he looked back at Rey, she gave him an encouraging smile.

Kylo sighed and turned back to Chewbacca. "When you hit me with your bowcaster you didn't kill me." 

Chewbacca moaned in agreement. 

"But you could have, so why didn't you?" Kylo asked. He didn’t realize it at the time, but in the days that followed he realized that Chewbacca could have easily killed him. That he didn’t kill him confused Kylo. He had every reason to want him dead, especially after he killed–

_"I knew you when you were a child,"_ Chewbacca said in Shyriiwook.

_That didn’t make a difference for Luke,_ Kylo thought. 

He looked away and the console caught his eye. He felt his heart speed up. If he got a little closer, he would be able to see the coordinates for their destination. Inadvertently, Rey had helped him find the information he needed. 

Kylo looked back at Chewbacca, trying not to give away what he found. He needed a distraction. "That didn't stop Luke," he said.

Chewbacca growled his question. _"What?"_

"Luke tried to kill me," Kylo said, stepping towards the consol. "But I guess you were more of an uncle to me than he was." He saw the coordinations for their destination, and after some quick calculations, realized they had to be going to Iego. Cliffhold was one of the spaceports he suggested. 

"He wasn't going to do it," Rey said, causing him to turn towards her. "Luke thought about it for a moment – something he deeply regretted – but he wasn't going to kill you."

Kylo swallowed. "Luke may have convinced you that was the case – he may have convinced himself – but I was there," he said, remembering the night that changed _everything_. "I saw the look in his eyes as he stood over me with his lightsaber."

Chewbacca let out an anguished moan.

Kylo looked back at Chewbacca. "I guess I should thank you for not aiming to kill."

_"If you hurt anyone else, I won't miss next time,"_ Chewbacca warned, his voice a low growl. 

"That's fair," Kylo said. "I have no intention of hurting you, but I'll do what I have to. Don't get in my way." He heard the sound of Chewbacca’s growl as he left the cockpit without saying another word.

◇◇◇

Rey followed Kylo out of the cockpit. His face was expressionless, but she felt the intensity of his conflicted emotions. His presence, which had become dim enough to ignore, was loud again. Emotional distress broke though her control, she realized. The only reason had been able to limit how much she felt was because Kylo has been in control of his own emotions. 

That meant he would be able to feel her too. 

Rey had to speed up to keep up with his long strides. She didn't say anything until they got to the hidden storage room that Kylo had made his home base. "That's _not_ what I meant when I told you to talk to Chewie," she said as soon as the door closed. 

Kylo snorted. "What did you _expect_?" he asked. 

"I can feel how much talking to him affected you,” she said. He couldn’t hide behind dismissive words. “You could have–"

"You can feel it?" he asked, interrupting her. 

_"Yes."_

Kylo wrinkled his brow. "I thought you were able to control the bond now?" he asked. 

"I thought I _was_ ,” Rey said, rubbing the back of her neck, “but when emotions are heightened, it’s not _enough_." She let out a heavy sigh. "Distance may help." 

"Do you believe that?" he asked. He stepped into her personal space and tilted his head. 

"No," she admitted, "distance has never been a barrier. Not since we first connected on Ahch-To" 

He was staring intently at her. She felt anguish coming off him in waves, but she didn’t know what he was thinking. She stepped closer to him, as if that would help unlock the thoughts he was keeping to himself. 

She felt his breath against her face. "What should we do?" Rey asked, heart pounding. 

His eyes glanced down at her mouth. 

She bit her lip. 

Kylo brushed his hand against her cheek, and she leaned into his touch. 

Rey kept her eyes on his face, trying to read his expression. There was a soft look on his face and his lips were parted. He leaned down and kissed her. 

She froze from surprise. She should have seen it coming from the way he touched her face and the way he looked at her mouth, but it was hard to think when she was so close to him. 

He backed away from her, and she felt the loss of his touch. "You don't want–"

Rey cut him off by putting her hands in his hair and tugging him back towards her. She was so _tired_ of trying not to feel him. His lips hovered in front of hers, and she saw that they were trembling. She closed the distance between them. 

He didn't respond at first, so she ran her tongue along his lips, and he opened his mouth slowly, like he was coming out of a daze. Her tongue moved gently into his, and she brushed his tongue with hers. 

He started to move his lips against hers, hesitantly at first, and then more firmly. One of his hands cupped her face and the other trailed down her arm. 

She shivered. 

He moved his lips against her cheek and then brushed his nose against her jaw until his lips were close to her ear. "This may make it more difficult to control the bond," he warned, his voice low. He moved his lips down her neck. 

"You kissed me," she said, her voice coming out strained. 

"I know," he said. He brought his hand to her shoulder and pushed the neck of her tunic aside, moving his lips against her newly exposed skin. He lapped at her clavicle with his tongue. "You need to know the risks," he continued. 

Rey swallowed hard. "I don't care," she said, knowing the words were dishonest as she said them. She _wished_ she didn’t care about the consequences. 

Kylo looked up at her. "You do," he said, maintaining eye-contact. 

Rey looked away from him. "You're leaving tomorrow," she said, hating the way her voice raised as if she were asking a question. She knew he was leaving. She shouldn't hope for something different.

"I am," he agreed. 

"Tonight,” she said, looking back at him. “We can have this just this once." It wasn’t enough, but it was all they could have. 

"Are you sure?" he asked. 

She _wasn’t_ sure. Ending this now was the smart choice, but having him so close, it was too hard to turn him away. She wanted him, and she thought he wanted her, but maybe he didn’t – maybe he didn’t feel what she felt. "Do you want me?" she asked. 

His eyes widened slightly. His face was open in a way that it hadn’t been earlier. "Yes," he said, sounding certain. 

That’s all she needed. "I'm sure," she said in a quiet voice.

He kissed her slowly, like he was savoring her. 

She sighed against his lips and ran her hands through his hair. From the first moment she saw what was beneath the mask, she wanted to touch his hair. It was as soft and silky as she imagined. 

He wrapped his arms around her and pressed her close against him. Her skin prickled at his touch. He brought his hands down to the edge of her tunic and tugged at it.

Reluctantly, she leaned back and looked at him. 

He raised his eyebrows in a silent question, and he started pushing her tunic up. She helped him push it over her head and threw it on the ground, not caring about where it landed. 

He stared at her breast band, which made her feel self-conscious. She moved to cover herself up with her arms, but he stopped her, moving his hands down her forearms in a soothing gesture. She relaxed and dropped her arms to her sides. 

Kylo moved slowly, undoing her breast band. She wasn’t sure if he was hesitant or if he was uncertain about how to remove it. Either way, he figured it out and dropped it onto her tunic. 

Her breath caught as he brought his hands to her breasts. He moved his fingers softly against her, and she felt her nipples harden. He touched her like he was trying to memorize her. His attention made everything else grow hazy. 

He stepped away from her, and she felt cold. Before she could ask him what he was doing, he grabbed a blanket and some pillows. His face was flushed. “We should…”

Rey felt her face heat up. “Yes,” she said, helping him place the blanket on the ground and arrange the pillows. They must have found the pillows last night when she was with Kaydel and Rose. 

“Lay down,” he said. 

Normally she would bristle at him telling her what to do, but she felt a frisson of excitement at his words. Not taking her eyes off of him, she laid down on the blanket, resting her head on one of the pillows. She shivered at the chill. 

He knelt beside her and then leaned over her, his hand next to her waist, holding him up. She leaned into the heat that radiated off of him. He licked her nipple experimentally and looked at her for her reaction. 

She nodded slightly. 

He moved his mouth back to chest, sucking her nipple and then lapping at her chest. The feeling caused her to inhale sharply. He did the same with her other breast, and she felt his bliss from being able to touch her. 

He looked up at her and then moved his lips down her stomach. She leaned up slightly, so she could watch him. 

He looked up at her and then moved his lips over her leggings and licked at her core, causing her to shiver with pleasure. The feeling grew as he flicked his tongue against her. He took his time, pulling moans out of her. 

He looked up again and she groaned at the loss of his lips against her. He brought his hands to the top of her leggings and she understood what he wanted. She helped him take off the rest of her clothes.

She was naked and he was still fully clothed. 

That would not do. She sat up and grabbed his shirt, taking it off him. She worried about being too eager, but he was just as frantic when he helped her remove her clothes. She drank in the sight of him and ran her hands along his body, feeling the strength within the muscles of his chest and abdomen. 

She heard his breath hitch, so she looked at his face. He was looking at her with an expression of wonder.

Wanting to see more of him, she started to remove his pants, which wasn’t easy to do. Seeing how she struggled, he took over and removed the rest of his clothes. 

Clothes gone, they both stared at each other. She felt his eyes move across her as her eyes moved across him. She had already seen most of him, but this was the first time she _really_ got to look. His body was littered with healing bruises, but he had fewer scars than she suspected. The scar she gave him was the most prominent, which made her wonder if he kept it as a reminder. 

He came towards her and kissed her again. She sank down until she was laying on the blanket again. He followed her. 

While his eyes were looking into hers, his fingers brushed against her clit. She jerked back in response, sensitive to his touch. He moved his fingers over her lips with a slight pressure. Then he took his hand away and moved down her body, pressing his lips against her skin, stopping just before he reached her mound. 

“Tell me how this feels,” he said, parting her lips and pressing his mouth against her. 

“That’s good,” she said, gripping his hair. 

He moaned against her, sending vibrations up her spine. 

She caressed his face. Her fingers stilled on his scar – the scar she gave him. She ran her fingers over his scar on his face, down his neck, and across his clavicle.

The touch of his lips and tongue felt like electricity. He pressed a finger inside her, and she pulsed around him. He sucked on her clit, and she cried out. 

That was enough for her to come undone. Her legs shook from the intense pleasure coursing through her body.

He looked up at her and smiled. She couldn’t help smiling back. 

He rested his head on her stomach. They stayed like that, him trailing his finger up and down her thigh, and her panting heavily. 

She wanted to kiss him, so she tugged at his hair. He must have gotten the hint because he moved towards her and their lips met. She tasted herself on him and gave a satisfied moan. 

Wanting to make him feel good, she touched his cock, which caused him to give a choked off moan. It was a heady feeling, causing him to make that sound. 

He pushed her hand away.

Confused, she looked at him for explanation. 

“It’ll end too quickly if you keep touching me,” he said, caressing her thigh. 

She parted her legs and he moved between them, rubbing his cock against her wet folds. The pressure against her clit caused her to moan. 

He placed his arms on either side of her, and mouthed against check, chin, and throat. He was breathing heavily. "What do you want?" he asked, his voice husky. 

"You," she said. The word was too honest. She wanted him in every way, but she would take him tonight in the only way she could have him. 

She felt his cock line up with her opening. "I haven't done this before," he admitted. 

"Neither have I," she said, cupping his jaw. 

"Are you – do you have a contraception implant or–"

"I have an implant," she confirmed, gently rubbing his cheek with her thumb, feeling some of the tension ease out of him. "Go slow." 

He nodded, and he pushed in slowly.

She felt full. Far more full than her fingers – or his fingers – ever felt.

"Wait," she said, needing a moment to adjust.

He stilled and peppered her face with kisses.

"Okay," she said against his lips.

He sunk into her slowly and then he was fully seated. It was a lot. 

He didn't move, and she felt him shake from the effort. 

Rey breathed deeply and allowed herself time to get used to the feeling of him inside of her. Once she relaxed, it was more comfortable. "Move," she said. 

Slowly he pulled himself out, and then he pushed himself back in. At first he moved tentatively, but once he coaxed a moan out of her, he started to find a rhythm. She felt more connected to him than she ever had before. She suspected that her efforts to dull their connection would be useless after this. How could she seperate herself from him after being so in sync? 

She felt sparks of pleasure as he thrust into her with a steady pace, causing her to dig her fingers into his shoulders. He pushed her legs further back and that changed the angle. He was impossibly deeper. 

"I'm not going to last," he panted.

"That's okay," she said

"I want you to come again – before I–” he said, groaning. “Touch yourself."

She brought her hand to her clit and moved it in a familiar circular motion. 

His thrusts lost their rhythm, and he began thrusting more erratically. She felt pleasure build up – though how much was from him and how much was from her she didn't know. He groaned deeply and collapsed onto her. 

"Sorry," he said kissing her neck and taking some of his weight off of her. "Did you finish?"

"No," she answered honestly.

He moved down her body and knelt between her legs. 

"You don't have to," she said. 

"I want to." He pressed his lips to her and licked with his tongue, causing her to moan. He worked his tongue inside of her, which made her feel intoxicated. Her legs began to temple.

He pushed two fingers inside her, thrusting them in and out. He licked her clit in time with his fingers. 

She was almost there. 

He increased his pace, and she felt like she was shattering.

◇◇◇

Rey was curled into Kylo's side, and she felt him run his fingers up and down her arm. It felt so good to be with him. More than anything, she wished there was a way they could stay together. 

He brought his hand to her face. "Come with me," he said so quietly she almost didn't hear him.

"What?" she asked, sitting up. Her heart started racing.

He sat up and took her hand in his. "We're better together," he said, caressing her hand with his thumb. "You must see that."

She did. 

"Come with me," he said again. 

It was so tempting – too tempting.

"What do you have here?" he continued, looking around the room. "A piece of junk ship and a few Rebels who are short on hope?" He looked back at her, his expression so similar to the one he wore on the _Supremacy._ "I can give you so much more," he pleaded.

She pulled her hand out of his. "I don't want the First Order." She stood up and put her back to him, afraid that it would be so easy for him to change her mind.

"Rey, please–"

She squeezed her eyes shut. This was all happening too quickly. She wanted more time, but she knew he wanted an answer now. There was only one answer that she could give. "No," she said.

She heard him let out a low groan, but he didn’t say anything. 

Rey hastily put her clothes on and walked out the door. She felt his eyes on her the entire time. 

◇◇◇

Rey’s hands were shaking. She quickly found Poe with Kaydel in the main hold. "I need you to take over," she said.

Poe's eyes widened. "Is he _alone_?"

"Yes," she said, blinking back tears. She wondered what she looked like – what Poe and Kaydel saw when they looked at her. 

Poe and Kaydel shared a look. "Where is he?" Kaydel asked, gently.

"The storage room," Rey answered, relieved that they weren’t asking more questions. 

Kaydel nodded and led Poe out of the room. 

Rey sat in Kaydel’s vacant seat and curled in on herself, rubbing her arms. 

◇◇◇

Kylo's thoughts were racing. He put himself out there – _again_ – and she rejected him. And this time she left him alone. Without Rey, he felt bereft. 

_I'm alone,_ he realized. 

This was the perfect opportunity to get on the subspace transceiver and – if it worked – contact one of the Knights of Ren. He was one step closer to becoming the next _Supreme Leader_ , but instead of feeling victorious, he felt hollow. 

Wasting no time, Kylo finished putting on his clothes, left the storage room, and made sure the number three hold was empty. Thankfully, the rest of the Resistance avoided this part of the ship, knowing he spent most of his time here. That was one advantage of the room not staying a secret.

The transceiver used to be in the wall opposite to the storage room. He hoped it was still there. 

The wall was blocked by two large crates that took some effort to move. He felt his muscles strain from the weight, but he didn't know how much time he had, so he moved them as quickly as possible. Behind the second crate, he saw the transceiver was still mounted to the wall. There was enough dust covering it for Kylo to know that it hadn't been used in a long time. 

Kylo punched in the code for Ap'lek's commlink. He wasn't particularly close with him – truthfully, he wasn't that close with any of his knights – but Ap'lek was the most subtle of his knights. If he was anywhere near Hux or any of the other generals, he would be able to keep a secret.

_"How did you get this code?"_ Ap'lek asked, sounding irritated. 

"It's me," Kylo said.

_"Kylo Ren?"_ he asked. _"What happened?"_

"We'll talk in person. I need you to gather all of the Knights of Ren. Meet me at the Cliffhold spaceport on Iego as soon as possible. Tomorrow evening at the latest."

_"I'm nowhere near Iego. The next day is more likely."_

"You better hope the other knights are closer," Kylo warned.

_"I'll contact them now. See you soon."_ Ap'lek disconnected. 

Kylo put down the transceiver and took a deep breath. Everything was going according to plan, but nothing felt right. He was so tense that it was almost painful.

He heard footsteps. 

Kylo didn't want to be found near the transceiver, so he rushed back to the storage room. Before he was able to open the door, someone joined him. He turned to see who it was.

It was Poe and Kaydel.

"Where are you going?" Kaydel asked. 

"Did you expect me to wait in the storage room until someone came to babysit me?" he asked, trying to sound casual enough to avoid too many questions. 

"Ideally, yes," Poe said. 

"You shouldn't have been left alone," Kaydel said, crossing her arms.

"That's outside of my control," Kylo said. 

"Is it?" Poe asked. "Rey wouldn't leave you alone without a good reason."

"I guess not," Kylo said. Her not wanting him was a good reason, but he wasn’t going to share that. 

"Care to explain?" Poe asked. 

"Not really," Kylo answered. It was difficult enough trying to hold it together without anyone knowing. The idea of explaining – it was too much – everything hurt and–

"You look like shit," Poe said. 

Kylo looked down at his wrinkled clothes and wondered what the rest of him looked like. If he looked anything like he felt, Poe's description was accurate. He had to remind himself that tomorrow he would be gone. Then he would take over the First Order. Once he was in power, he would have time to fall apart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hurts before they get there, but there will be a happily ever after ending.


	8. Chapter 8

"Are you okay?" Finn asked.

Rey looked up from the hologram table and saw Finn and Rose looking at her with concern. She tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. "I'm fine," she said. 

"You don't have to be okay," Rose said, putting her hand on Rey's arm and squeezing gently. She sat next to Rey. "I don't think any of us are fine right now. We've all been through a lot."

Finn sat on Rey's other side. "It wasn't that long ago that we were escaping Jakku together – a lot has changed for all of us – but you especially. All the Force stuff, I can't imagine."

"Talking about it might help," Rose said. "It helped me to talk about my sister."

Rey understood Rose’s point. She may have agreed with it if the subject of her distress was anyone other than Kylo. She knew they wouldn’t understand. 

"Does this have anything to do with Kylo Ren?" Finn asked, his question more perceptive than she would have liked. 

"It does," Rey admitted. 

"Did he hurt you?" Finn asked. 

Rey must have hesitated too long because she saw Finn and Rose share a concerned look. "Not intentionally," she said at last. 

"What does _that_ mean?" Finn asked.

"I don't know where to start," Rey said. She was a confused jumble of thoughts and feelings. 

"Start with whatever you are comfortable with sharing," Rose said.

Rey sighed. "It started on Ahch-To," she explained. "Kylo and I started connecting through the Force. We could see each other, talk to each other…"

Rose leaned forward. "That sounds terrifying." 

"It was a shock at first, and it happened seemingly at random. Neither of us had any control over it. Then we started talking…"

"Talking?" Rose prompted.

"You have to understand that Luke wasn't who I expected him to be. At first, he refused to teach me. He wouldn't help the Resistance either. And then when he agreed to teach me, his lessons were about why the Jedi should end."

"You must have changed his mind," Finn said. "He _saved_ us."

"I don't know that I changed his mind. We didn't part on the best terms," Rey said, thinking of their fight. She wasn’t ready to reveal that she fought Luke because of Kylo or that she went to him because she believed he would turn. Her actions felt foolish. Kylo showed her repeatedly that he was determined to stay on his dark path. It was time for her to believe him. 

"How did the two of you connect though the Force?" Finn asked. 

"We have a Force bond," Rey said. 

They didn't judge her as she explained what that meant and how she tried to weaken it, but she could tell they didn’t _understand_. Neither of them knew what it felt like to have their whole being so entangled with another. 

"Kylo and I talked. He listened to me when I felt alone," Rey said, remembering how he comforted her when she told him what had happened in the cave on Ahch-To. She told him about her hope that she would be shown something about her parents, about her role in all of this. She didn't get the answers she hoped for, and he was the only one she shared her disappointment with. "He _understood_ me."

"We're here for you,” Rose said, her voice kind. “You can talk to us too."

"And I appreciate that," Rey said sincerely. 

She did appreciate both Finn and Rose and the support they offered, but it wasn’t the same as talking to Kylo. They didn’t understand her – all of her – the way he did. 

Though that understanding hadn't amounted to much. Neither of them could be what the other needed. 

◇◇◇

It was already morning. Chewie had told her there was less than an hour until they landed, so she went to see Leia. She needed something – a job, a task, _anything_ – that would keep her busy and her mind off _him._

◇◇◇

Leia was not easy to locate. Once she found her in the circuitry bay, she understood why. Leia was talking with Kylo. The sight of him caused Rey’s throat to tighten. 

Leia and Kylo’s voices were too quiet for Rey to hear what they were saying. They must have come here for privacy. Leia put her hand on Kylo's arm, and he flinched away. 

Rey felt like she was intruding. She moved to leave, but the sound of Leia's voice stopped her. 

"Don't go. I've got a job for you when we land," Leia said.

Rey nodded, keeping her eyes on Leia and off of Kylo. It hurt too much to look at him. 

Leia led Rey and Kylo to the main hold where Kaydel was talking with Rose. Kaydel looked between Rey and Kylo before approaching. 

"Everything ready?" Leia asked Kaydel.

"Yes, just in time," Kaydel answered, sounding relieved. 

"Good. Can you stay with Ben while I talk with Rey?" Leia asked.

Kaydel agreed.

Leia stared at Kylo, and he held her gaze. "Be careful," she said. There was so much emotion in Leia’s voice, and her expression was open in a way that reminded Rey of Kylo. Rey hadn’t realized the significance of this moment until Leia had said those words. She was saying _goodbye_. This was likely the last time she would ever see her son. 

Kylo gave a slight nod. "May the Force be with you," he said, his voice so quiet that Rey almost didn't hear him. If Rey didn’t know better, she would have thought he sounded _sad_. 

Leia closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Rey had heard Leia say those same words many times. It must have been a shock for her to hear her son say them. 

Leia collected herself quickly, and then she led Rey to the cockpit. 

◇◇◇

Rey greeted Chewie and moved to sit beside him. There was a porg in her seat, so she had to pick it up and set it on the ground before she could sit. Despite being one of the smaller rooms on the _Falcon_ , the cockpit had about a half dozen porgs – more than she had seen anywhere else on the ship. 

Rey asked Chewie if she could help him land because it would keep her mind occupied. He roared his agreement, telling her that he would prefer not to land the ship with Poe. While Poe was a good pilot – he’d made some tricky landings – his ships didn’t always survive. Rey understood why Chewie didn’t want to risk the _Falcon_. It had been a home for him, and it had been so important to Han. Losing the ship so soon after losing Han would be devastating.

Rey turned towards Leia who sat in the chair behind her. "You have a job for me?" 

"I would like you to pick up some supplies when we land. Finn has the details," Leia said. 

"I can do that," Rey said. "If that's all, why did we come here to talk?" Leia hadn’t said anything that she couldn’t have asked around the others. 

"The look you gave my son made it clear that something was wrong. I wanted to give you space – if that's what you want. You've done more than enough," Leia said.

"Leia, I–"

Leia put up her hand, halting Rey's words. "You don't owe me an explanation. Because of you I was able to see my son again." Leia gave a short laugh. "I never thought we would meet again without any violence, not after everything that happened. Luke told me that no one's ever really gone. I'm relieved to learn that he was right." She smiled.

"Luke said that?" Rey asked.

"You sound surprised."

"I am," Rey said, scrunching her nose. "That doesn't sound like him."

Leia gave her a steady look. "Meeting you must have done him some good."

_"Me?"_ she asked, confused.

"The Luke that helped us sounded like the Luke I knew when we were younger," Leia explained. "It has been a long time since I last saw him so hopeful." She let out a heavy sigh. "He became more jaded over the years, rougher around the edges. I had wondered how my son's actions affected him."

"He was bitter when I met him. He said the Jedi's time had ended," Rey said. 

"You didn't notice a change when you left?" Leia asked. 

"No," Rey said, shaking her head. "I didn't have an amicable departure."

Leia tilted her chin down and raised her eyebrows.

"We fought," Rey admitted, looking down at her hands. "He thought I was making a mistake by going to your son." Rey couldn't call him Kylo in front of his mom, not when she so adamantly called him by the name she gave him.

"He changed his mind," Leia said. 

Rey looked up at Leia and didn't see any doubt on her face. She had sounded certain. Rey didn't know what to think about that. 

◇◇◇

Once they landed, Rey exited the _Falcon_. She didn't know where Kylo was, but she knew he wouldn't leave without his lightsaber. It wouldn't take him long to find her. 

The spaceport was like nothing she had seen before. Her senses were overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, and smells. The spaceport was built within a cluster of reddish basaltic spires. There was a busy market set up just outside where their ship landed made up of vendors from all over. The merchants easily switched between languages to cater to their customers. One merchant was shouting at a customer for offering an insultingly low price for his goods. Rey smelled a variety of different cuisines, many of which were unfamiliar to her. 

A familiar voice tore Rey’s attention away from the market. "We're here," she heard Kylo say. 

She looked back and saw him on the boarding ramp. Poe was with him. 

"You can stop guarding me," Kylo continued. "I'm not going to hurt anyone."

"Forgive me for my skepticism. Isn't your truce _over_ now that we've landed?" Poe asked.

"I have no reason to hurt you," Kylo said, his words surprising Rey. 

Poe snorted. "We're the Resistance," he said. “You have _every_ reason to hurt us.” 

"It wouldn't be a fair fight.”

"So once you're Supreme Leader you'll just… let us go?" Poe said. 

Rey moved closer, wanting to make sure she heard Kylo’s answer. 

"Why not?" Kylo asked.

Poe stared at Kylo. "We're not going to give up,” he said, his voice serious. “We won't stop fighting."

Kylo exhaled slowly. "You're determined to dig your own grave, aren't you?"

"I'm determined to fight for what's _right,_ " Poe said, raising his voice. 

Kylo looked away from Poe and turned to Rey. 

_So he did know I was listening,_ she thought. 

"Am I going to get my lightsaber back now?" Kylo asked. 

"Yes," Rey said, unclasping it from her belt. 

Kylo walked towards her and put his hand out.

Rey held his lightsaber close to her chest. "There's something I want first."

"That wasn't our deal,” Kylo said, looking annoyed. “I helped you fix your lightsaber so you would give me mine back."

"Hear me out before you refuse," Rey said. 

Kylo crossed his arms and looked at her expectantly.

"You won't use your lightsaber against _anyone_ from the Resistance while we are on this planet."

"You have my word," Kylo agreed easily.

"And you won't contact _anyone_ from the First Order until we are offworld," Rey continued.

A dark look passed over Kylo's face. "Fine," he bit out.

Rey felt a twinge of worry at his answer, but he had agreed. For all his faults, lying wasn’t one. She hoped that hadn’t changed. 

Rey held out his lightsaber. As he took it from her, his fingers brushed hers. She felt a jolt of electricity at his touch.

Kylo's eyes widened and he backed away. He visibly swallowed. "Goodbye Rey," he said, his voice shaky.

"Goodbye," she said, hoping her voice didn’t waver. 

Kylo turned to Poe and nodded at him, and Poe nodded back. 

Kylo stared at the _Falcon_ for a moment. Rey felt so many contradictory emotions from him that she had no idea what he was thinking. She wondered if he was thinking about Han. 

Kylo looked back at Rey, and she looked away. She hoped he didn’t notice her staring. 

Neither of them said anything. Just when the silence started to become unbearable, Kylo started walked away. 

Rey watched him go, unable to look away from his retreating form. She could feel Poe staring at her. 

Near the entrance to the market, Kylo stopped walking and looked back, causing Rey’s breath to catch in her throat. Their eyes met. 

Kylo turned away from her again and disappeared into the crowd. 

"Are you okay?" Poe asked, startling Rey out of her thoughts. 

"I'm going to find Finn," she said, not answering his question. "We have a job to do."

◇◇◇

Walking away from Rey was one of the hardest things Kylo ever had to do. He couldn’t stop himself from looking back at her one more time. 

He knew this wasn’t the last time he would see her, but he was terrified of what would happen when he did see her again. He was naive to have ever thought that she would join him. She kept reminding him that she was part of the Resistance. And Poe had just reminded him that the Resistance would never stop fighting against the First Order. It didn’t matter what he did – how he ruled – he would always be their enemy. 

Kylo had nothing Rey wanted. In gaining his lightsaber back, he lost a piece of himself. 

◇◇◇

It was risky, but Kylo was able to lift a commlink – without the use of the Force – off a lanky man with dark hair. He walked away from the busy market until he found some privacy. 

“Status report,” he barked into the commlink. 

_“I thought I’d hear from you sooner,”_ Ap’lek said, sounding almost amused. _"I'm on route, but Ushar and Trudgen should arrive first.”_

“They can contact me on this commlink when they arrive,” Kylo said, hoping the Resistance would be gone before they arrived. Rey had asked him not to contact the First Order until they were gone, and he had agreed. Technically, he hadn’t lied. The Knights of Ren weren’t really part of the First Order, he told himself. 

That thought wasn’t enough to relieve his guilt. 

_“Understood,”_ Ap’lek said. _“See you soon.”_ There was something off about his parting words. They sounded almost like a threat, but that couldn’t be right. He was no match for Kylo in a fight. 

Ushar and Trudgen though… individually, he was confident he could beat them, but if they worked together and they caught him by surprise... it would be a difficult fight. 

He hoped he was being paranoid. 

◇◇◇

Kylo was lucky that the Resistance chose such a bustling spaceport. It was hard to predict who would be resistant to Force compulsions, so he had to use a light touch. Getting caught using the Force instead of paying would cause problems. He wanted to go unnoticed. 

He was able to find a Quarren merchant – susceptible to compulsions – who sold clothes in his size that were to his taste. Most of the people here were wearing sandy colours – muted beige, brown, and orange – which reminded him of his time at the Jedi temple. He managed to get the black pants and shirt he now wore – though the shirt was faded enough to be more of a dark grey. 

Now he wanted to get some real food. He didn't know how quickly things would progress once the knights arrived, and he didn’t want to admit it, but his conversation with Ap’lek planted some doubts in his mind. His knights might not fall in line as easily as he expected. 

“–going to get the reward,” a voice in the crowd said. 

Kylo looked in the direction of the voice and saw two Rodians speaking with each other.

“The First Order–” the shorter of the two said. She had long tresses and turquoise scales.

His heart sped up at those words. He was too far away to hear everything they were saying, so not wanting to get caught listening, Kylo used the Force to deflect attention from himself. He hid behind a stall less than a meter away from them. He peered over the stall and saw that the male Rodian looked angry. His scales were green, so he knew the two of them weren’t related. 

“–you are too cautious,” the man said. “The reward money will last the rest of our lives! I’ll be able to give you the life you _deserve_.”

“Only if the First Order pays the reward. We _can’t_ trust them,” the woman said. 

“Don’t tell me you're a Resistance sympathizer,” the man said. “What have they ever done for you?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

_“Exactly!_ Besides, it’s too late to change anything now,” the man said, giving the woman a smug smile. “I already contacted the First Order.”

_No,_ Kylo thought. He felt nauseated. _What have I done?_

◇◇◇

Leia tasked Rey and Finn with purchasing more medical supplies. They didn’t have a lot of credits, but Rey knew how to bargain. They had some supplies on the _Falcon,_ but it was better to be prepared in case something went wrong. 

Something always seemed to go wrong. 

While Rey had a lot of experience trading for whatever she needed, she had never had the credits to go shopping like this. When it wasn’t a matter of survival, shopping was almost fun. 

Finn seemed to be enjoying himself. He looked around the market in amazement. She imagined she had a similar expression on her face. Like her, this was a new experience for him. Stormtroopers didn’t go shopping either. 

They found a merchant who sold med-packs. He was an older Cerean man with a long white beard, and it was a challenge to haggle with him. He was unfailingly calm and she could tell he was weighing the value of the med-packs against the time he was spending bargaining. She had to _work_ in order to get him to lower his prices. 

When Rey named what she thought was a fair price for him and one that the Resistance could afford, he stroked his beard and looked thoughtful. "You haggle properly," the merchant said with a smile. "The smugglers who come through here _think_ they know how to bargain, but they either waste my time with insultingly low offers or agree to pay far more than my products are worth."

“Do we have a deal?” Rey asked. 

“We have a deal,” the merchant said. 

◇◇◇

It didn’t take them long to buy everything they needed, so they had some time to browse the stalls for anything that caught their eye. 

Finn suddenly stopped walking, so Rey bumped into him. She looked over to see what he was gawking at, and she was surprised to see a tall woman who glowed a bright white. The woman wore a brown, hooded cloak that didn’t cover the large wings she had. Rey had never seen anyone like her before. 

The woman must have noticed them staring because she looked over at them. 

Rey felt herself flush and nudged Finn to get him to stop starting. He took her hint and they walked over to the woman. 

“Sorry for staring,” Finn said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Offworlders often have that reaction when they see a Diathim for the first time,” she said, her voice soft and melodic. “We rarely leave the moons of Iego.” 

“Still, it was rude of us,” Rey said apologetically.

“Apology accepted,” the woman said. “I couldn’t help but notice that you have bought a large quantity of medical supplies. Is one of your crew injured?” she asked. 

“No, nothing like that. We’re restocking,” Finn explained. 

“I hope you haven’t brought danger with you. Iego has been largely ignored by the conflicts that face the galaxy,” she said. Her voice lost some of its melodic quality. “We would prefer to keep it that way,” she warned. 

“We are not here to cause harm,” Rey said, suddenly on edge. 

“Those who do rarely intend to,” the woman warned. “I wish you well in your journey ahead,” she said, and then she left. 

◇◇◇

"That was a warning,” Rey said, walking in the direction of the _Falcon._ “We should get back to the others." 

“I agree,” Finn said. He had to rush to catch up to her. “But it sounded like she thought _we_ were the threat.”

“Something is wrong,” she said, a feeling of dread coming over her. 

“Is it the Force?” he asked. 

“Yes,” she said, “it feels like something bad is coming.”

“I hope you’re wrong,” Finn said. He didn't sound very hopeful. 

“So do I,” Rey agreed. worried they were too late.


	9. Chapter 9

Kylo knew the Resistance couldn't defend itself against an attack by the First Order. All they had were a few dozen members, the _Millenium Falcon,_ and more hope than sense _._ The First Order would easily outclass them. Add in the Knights of Ren, and there would be no survivors. Not Rey. Not his mom. Certainly not any of the Resistance members who were brave enough to talk to him. 

He tried to tell himself that it didn't matter – that he didn't care – but he knew that was a lie. If the Resistance was destroyed, there would be nobody left in the galaxy who saw him as a person. He would be nothing more than the monster the galaxy whispered about when they were far enough away that he wouldn't hear.

Being the Supreme Leader wouldn't change that. The way everyone spoke about Snoke… awe overshadowed by fear, it would be the same way they spoke about him. 

Kylo had thought he wanted power more than anything, but he was now realizing that power was hollow. Sure, he would be safe, but what was the point? Being feared was only intoxicating at first. That type of fear – that type of power – bred a numbness that no amount of destruction or anger could overcome. 

Rey was the first person to make him feel alive in such a long time. She reminded him that there was a person underneath his mask, and once she saw him, once she _understood_ him, she didn't recoil from him. Instead, she reached out to him with her hand and their fingers met across the stars. 

_I am a fool,_ he thought. _I left her. How could I believe anything was more important than Rey?_

The market was busier than it was before he arrived. In the midst of the afternoon rush, he hadn't seen any members of the Resistance. Kylo pushed his way through the market and rushed towards the _Falcon,_ hoping he wasn't too late. 

A Rodian cried out in anger when Kylo almost knocked him over, but backed away once he was on the receiving end of his glare. He didn't have time for interruptions.

_Rey, I need to talk to you,_ he projected _._

_I'm busy,_ she replied, sounding distracted. 

_It's about the First Order,_ he said, getting straight to the point. _Where are you?_

_What about the First Order?_

_They know you're here. Tell me wh–_

He saw her. She was with Finn, running towards the _Falcon._ He hoped that the Resistance was ready to depart. 

"Rey!" Kylo called out. 

Rey and Finn both stopped running. "Did you tell them?" she asked, slightly out of breath. 

Kylo ran over to them. "I overheard a man admit he turned the Resistance in for the bounty," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Finn tilted his head. "So it _wasn't_ you who told them?" he asked.

Kylo winced.

Rey's eyebrows lowered and pinched together. "Or was it?" she asked.

"I didn't tell anyone you were landing here," he said, not lying, but not being entirely honest. If someone like Hux – someone who loathed the Force – was alerted to the Resistance's presence on Iego, the Knights of Rey _may_ not have been informed. But when had he ever been that lucky? 

Rey and Finn shared a look. He couldn't tell whether they believed him or not.

Finn turned to Rey, "We need to warn the others," he said, his jaw tight with tension. 

"You're coming with us," Rey said, looking at Kylo. Her tone left no room for argument.

Kylo opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Rey. "You need to tell your mom _everything_ you know."

He swallowed, feeling an ache at the back of his throat. He had the irrational urge to escape, but he knew Rey was right – he had to face his mom. He hoped she would be too busy to press him for the full story. 

◇◇◇

His mom's eyes lit up when she saw him, but it fell as she took in the grave expressions on their faces. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"The First Order knows you're here," Kylo said, ripping off the bacta patch in the way his dad always used to. There wasn't time to dance around the point. 

His mom's eyes widened, but that was the only sign of distress she gave. She issued orders, and everyone got to work. Kylo admired how collected she was.

◇◇◇

The Resistance wasn't ready to depart. They had to finish fueling up, find a few members who hadn't been alerted of the need to depart, and load the rest of their supplies onto the _Falcon._

Kylo didn't know if they would make it out in time.

He wasn't trusted to help, so he stayed with his mom while she led the evacuation.

Kaydel's eyes narrowed when she saw him, but she didn't say anything to him. She spoke to his mom like he wasn't there, and then she did her job. 

He found himself staring at the _Falcon_. Who would have guessed all those years ago, when his dad won this ship off Lando, that it would be at the centre of so many events pivotal to galactic history? Here it was, all these years later, acting as the Resistance's only hope for escape. 

He imagined that his dad would smile if he knew. 

His dad would never have admitted it, but he _knew_ that his ship looked like a piece of junk. A Corellian YT-1300f light freighter was nothing to brag about. It was the modification made over the years – some carefully and others not-so-carefully – that made this ship special. 

He looked over at his mom and saw that she was staring at him. 

"You warned us," his mom said. 

"I did." It had been easy for him to make that choice. After so many years willfully making decisions that would help him more fully embrace the dark side, he finally made a decision that felt _right_. 

"Thank you," she said, her eyes soft. 

He couldn't stand the way she was looking at him. He didn't _deserve_ it. "Mom, I–"

The sound of his commlink stopped him from completing his sentence. 

"Who's that?" his mom asked loud enough to draw attention.

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut and took out the commlink. 

Rey's attention must have been caught by his mom's question because she came over to find out what happened. He felt the moment she noticed the commlink in his hand. Her disappointment slammed into him with an intensity that caused him to jerk back.

He tried to apologize with his eyes, but neither Rey nor his mom were looking at him. They both were staring at the commlink.

It beeped again, so he answered. "Report," he said in a clipped tone.

_"Ushar and I have landed,"_ Trudgen said. _"We can meet at the main landing bay."_

That was too close to the Resistance. "No," he said, searching for a solution, "meet me at the eastern side of the market. We'll draw less attention there." And buy the Resistance more time, he hoped. 

There was a long pause. _"We'll see you soon,"_ Trudgen said. It didn't escape Kylo's attention that he hadn't agreed to the change of location.

◇◇◇

Kylo told them, Rey realized. He was the reason the First Order knew they were on Iego, so why did he warn– 

"Who was that?" Leia asked sharply.

Rey looked at Kylo for his explanation. She needed to know how bad it was.

"One of the Knights of Ren," Kylo said, grimacing.

Rey felt a chill at that admission. The vision she saw on Takodana when she first touched her lightsaber showed her the Knights of Ren, and she sensed their darkness. She remembered how terrified she had been. "You said you didn't tell anyone we were here," she said, her nostrils flaring. He _lied_ to her. 

"I didn't," Kylo said, his denial sounding weak. "I told the Knights of Ren to meet _me_ here," he explained, voice cracking. He dropped his chin to his chest and looked down. "But I didn't mention the Resistance, so the knights might not know you are here."

"How likely is that?" Leia asked, pressing her lips into a fine line.

Kylo looked up at Leia "Not very," he admitted, his shoulders slumping. 

Because of Kylo, the Resistance had very little time left to escape.

"If they do know, whose side would they take?" Leia asked, staring at her son with her eyebrows drawn together. "Are they more loyal to you or the First Order?" she asked.

Rey wanted to know what he was going to say. She knew very little about his relationship with the Knights of Ren. She knew he was their leader, but not much else.

"The knights know my real name," Kylo said, tightening his hands into fists. "It wouldn't look good – us here together so soon after I killed Snoke. They wouldn't like it."

"What about the rest of the First Order?" Leia asked.

Kylo shook his head. "Snoke never let anyone speak about my identity, but I'm sure some of the generals are aware." He sighed. "They would use this as an opportunity to eliminate my threat to their power."

That wasn't a life. He gave up his life, his name, and his family to live among enemies. Han must have been the first person he heard say his name in _years._ Rey wondered how much of a role that played in the choices he made. 

Leia gave Kylo a pained look. "You're not meeting them," she said. 

"I have to," Kylo said.

Rey's stomach churned. "They'll kill you," she said.

Kylo shrugged like he didn't care about the danger. Rey didn't think he was arrogant enough to believe he could take on the Knights of Ren and the First Order alone, but maybe he was. She had foolishly believed him when he said he wouldn't tell anyone they were here. 

"You've bought us some time," Leia said, taking a step towards her son. "Come with us and we'll drop you off somewhere else."

Rey felt Kylo's eyes on her. She bit her lip, while she waited for his answer.

"Fine," he said, still looking at her and not his mom. "I'll go with you."

Rey let out a huge breath at his agreement.

◇◇◇

After the revelation of Kylo's lie, Rey left him and Leia to join the others in loading the last of the supplies onto the _Falcon_. She explained to their small group – Finn, Poe, and Rose – what Kylo had done. 

Poe looked disappointed, but none of them looked surprised.

Rey wondered if they blamed her for the danger they faced. She was the one who brought Kylo with them. 

◇◇◇

Rey felt Kylo's distress. She looked in the direction the feeling was coming from and saw him running towards them. 

"We have a problem," Kylo said, slightly out of breath.

His arrival drew the attention of Finn, Poe, and Rose. None of them looked pleased to see him.

"We know," Poe said, crossing his arms. 

"Rey told us," Finn added, nodding in her direction. 

Kylo looked at Rey. "The knights on their way over," he said, leaning towards her. "I can sense them coming. They must have found the Resistance."

"How?" Poe asked.

"They could be tracking the comm signal," Rose said.

Kylo nodded. "I'll lead them away, while you escape." 

Rey's stomach sank at the idea of him going alone. "No–"

"They're here because of me," Kylo interrupted. "Let me do this." He took her hands in his. "Please."

It was the please that had her reluctantly agreeing to his plan.

◇◇◇

She held herself tightly as she watched him leave. The first time she watched him leave today was agony, but this time was so much worse. This time it hurt to breathe. 

◇◇◇

Everyone had been found, the supplies were loaded and the sip had enough fuel. It was time for the Resistance to depart.

"I'm not going with you," Rey told her friends. "I'm going to help Kylo."

Finn was the most surprised. He was also the one who tried to change her mind. "It's not just the Knights of Ren that you need to worry about. The First Order is on their way," he warned.

"I know," Rey said. It didn't matter what the risks were. If she went after him, he had a better chance of surviving. That was enough.

"It's suicide," Finn said.

Rey shook her head. "I can't leave him," she said.

Finn deflated at her words. It was clear he knew that he wasn't going to change her mind.

Rose squeezed Finn's arm, offering him some comfort. "What's your plan?" she asked.

Rey took out her lightsaber. "I'll fight by his side."

Finn and Rose glanced at each other in a way that didn't fill Rey with confidence. She looked at Poe who had stayed silent. 

"I'm going with you," Poe said. 

Rey's eyes widened. "Kylo and I can handle ourselves," she said, declining Poe's offer. She appreciated the support, but she didn't want Poe to get himself killed. 

"And then what?" Poe asked. "Say you fight the Knights of Ren and _win_ , how are you going to escape before the First Order gets here?"

"I don't know!" Rey shouted. "We'll figure it out," she said, her heart racing. "There isn't time for this." Every second she delayed was a second she lost helping him. 

"You help Kylo," Poe said, clasping her shoulder. "and I'll get us a ship."

"Are you sure?" Rey asked, hating how strained her voice sounded.

Poe gave her shoulder a squeeze. "We've got this."

Rey took strength from his confidence. 

◇◇◇

Kylo walked up to the knights slowly. He had his lightsaber out, but it wasn't ignited. He didn't want them to sense even a hint of anxiety from him. 

"I told you to meet me on the eastern side of the market," Kylo said. People were everywhere, but they were smart enough to keep their distance from the two Knights of Ren. "Why are you going to the main landing bay?"

"We got some interesting intel on our way here," Trudgen said, the dull end of his vibrocleaver resting on his shoulder. "Do you want to know what it was?"

"If it was important enough for you to disobey orders, then you should tell me," Kylo said, hoping he could keep them talking for awhile. 

"The Resistance is on Iego," Trudgen said.

Kylo tried not to react. 

"You don't look surprised," Ushar said, leaning on his war club. "Why would Kylo Ren be on the same planet as the Resistance? It doesn't make any sense."

"I–"

"Don't try to come up with a lie," Trudgen said, swinging his vibrocleaver in front of him. "Kylo Ren wouldn't kill the Supreme Leader and run away with the Resistance, _but_ _Ben Solo would,"_ he said, stepping towards Kylo. 

"That's an interesting story you've come up with," Kylo said, trying to keep his voice light, "but where is your proof?"

"I remember the Ben Solo we first met," Trudgen said. "You weren't dark enough to join us. You got lucky by killing Ren." 

"Are you still bitter that you aren't in charge?" Kylo taunted. 

Trudgen charged. 

Kylo ignited his lightsaber and easily deflected his swing. He wondered how much strength it would take to cut through his vibrocleaver with his lightsaber. 

Trudgen was easy enough to defend against on his own, but then Ushar joined the fight. 

Kylo blocked Ushar's war club, which left him open to Trudgen's vibrocleaver. He backed up, holding his lightsaber in front of him, waiting for one of them to take the next move. 

He needed a distraction. 

"Do you really want to answer to Trudgen?" Kylo asked Ushar. "Because that's what will happen if you kill me."

Ushar took the bait and ran at him. 

Kylo dodged at the last second and made a run for it. Not wearing any armor had one benefit: it made him faster. 

◇◇◇

Kylo may have miscalculated. 

While he got them away from the Resistance and helpless bystanders, he was cornered. 

Behind him was a steep drop and in front of him two angry Knights of Ren. He glanced behind him and couldn't see how far down it was to the bottom. Jumping was too big of a risk. 

Trudgen and Ushar moved towards him. Out of all the knights, they were the two who fought the most viciously together.

_I might have to risk jumping,_ he thought. 

Before he made his decision, something swooped down, causing Trudgen and Ushar to jump back. 

A large winged reptilian creature made a hissing sound, and it flew back up into the air. 

Trudgen slashed at him with his vibrocleaver, and he blocked it. Kylo knew the rest of the knights would be here soon, so he wanted to persevere his energy. He would stay on the defense until he had an opening or until he had no other choice. 

The creature swooped down again, which gave Kylo an idea. He grabbed it by the foot, and it flew him away from the knights. 

It didn't sound particularly happy about its passenger, but it was susceptible to Force suggestions. He told the creature to drop him off at the bottom of the cliff. It would take Trudgen and Ushar some time to catch up.

By the time they caught up with him, the Resistance may have escaped. 

◇◇◇

The creature stopped at the bottom of the cliff, and Kylo let go. It looked at him with its many light blue eyes, and then it looked at the large green vines that were everywhere. 

"What?" he asked it, feeling silly about talking to a non-sentient creature. 

It looked like it shook its head, almost judgmental, and then it flew away. Its sandy skin was easily camouflaged by the cliffs. 

◇◇◇

Kylo _definitely_ miscalculated. 

The green vines awakened from his presence. There were many heads, lots of teeth, and he must have looked like a meal. 

No wonder the creature had judged his choice of destination. 

One of the heads lunged for him, and he noticed the vines also had _spikes_. Trying to kill the vines, while avoiding teeth and spikes was difficult. After a struggle, he managed to cut a head off with his lightsaber. That made the other heads angrier.

Kylo ran towards the cliff and started climbing. 

The vines didn't give up. 

He swung with his lightsaber and cut two more heads off, causing it to finally retreat.

He took a steadying breath. _This is not going well,_ he thought.

Kylo continued to climb up the cliff. Just as his arms started to ache from climbing, the sound of voices stilled his movement. It was the knights. He could either climb up towards them or climb back down.

He chose to climb back down.

◇◇◇

Kylo hung onto the cliff, close to the ground, but not daring to set foot of the grown. He didn't want the attention of the vines. 

But maybe they could take Trudgen and Ushar out for him. 

◇◇◇

He wasn't that lucky. 

The vines found him again before his knights did.

He dropped to the ground and faced the plant. It attacked with one head, testing him, so he cut the head off. 

The vines screamed, drawing the attention of Trudgen and Ushar. 

He chopped off another two heads. The vines weren't attacking as aggressively anymore. They were either going to retreat, or they were readying themselves for another attack. 

He was more concerned about how exposed his back was. His knights could attack from behind.

He chanced looking back to see where they were, and the vine attacked. It bit into his thigh before his lightsaber sliced into it. He took a grim satisfaction at the way the rest of the vines screamed and retreated when he cut up the one that bit him. It must have been the main head. 

Now that the vines were dealt with, he could face Trudgen and Ushar. 

He winced from the sharp pain in his thigh. He hoped the plant wasn't poisonous.

◇◇◇

His knights hadn't arrived yet, and he had lost sight of them. Not knowing where they were they were made him uneasy. Every sound caught his attention, but none of them were caused by Trudgen or Ushar.

He leaned against the cliff and waited for them. There was nowhere for Kylo to run.

_Where are you?_

_Rey?_ he asked, surprised to hear her voice. 

_Tell me where you are,_ Rey said. 

_You need to leave,_ he said, _the First Order will be here soon._

_The Resistance is gone. I'm coming to help you._

Kylo's stomach sank. _Leave while you still can._

_No._

_Rey–_

_It'll take longer if you don't help me,_ she said, interrupting him. 

Knowing she was right, he gave in. _I'm at the base of the western cliffs, he said,_ projecting an image of where he was. 

_Thank you._

_And Rey..._

_What?_ she asked. 

He hesitated. _If you see green vines, be careful of their teeth._

_You're joking._

He smiled at the disbelief in her voice, even though he knew she couldn't see him. _I'm afraid not,_ he said. 

◇◇◇

His thigh wasn't bleeding much, but it was throbbing. He hoped that meant there was no poison.

Voices caught his attention. 

It wasn't only Trudgen and Ushar who were talking. 

Ap’lek had arrived. 


	10. Chapter 10

Rey let out a gasp when she found the cliff Kylo showed her. 

Looking down, she saw four distant figures fighting at the base on the cliff. Kylo was easy to identify because of the crackling red emanating from his lightsaber. The other three figures had him surrounded. They were only a few of the Knights of Ren. More were coming.

Her heart raced. 

She climbed down the cliff as fast as she could. 

◇◇◇

The cliff wasn’t easy to descend. Despite the many grooves, it was difficult to get a foothold. Rey went as quickly as she could, only needing to get close enough to the ground to jump safely. 

She was close enough to hear what they were saying.

"–a traitor," one of the knights said.

"Ap'lek,” Kylo said, grunting, “I didn't know you cared so much about the First Order." 

Rey winced at Kylo's tone. He didn't need to _provoke_ them further. 

"I don't," Ap'lek said. "You're a traitor to the shadow–”

Needing to see what was happening, Rey looked down and saw Kylo fighting a knight – Ap’lek she guessed – who had a long vibro-ax. The other two knights were on the ground. 

She doubted they would stay down. 

“–you don't deserve the name Kylo Ren,” Ap’lek continued. “You aren't a Knight of Ren anymore." He swung his ax at Kylo, and was stopped by a powerful Force shove. 

"That's too bad." Kylo strode towards him, looking unconcerned about the threat he posed. His swagger reminded her painfully of Han. 

Ap’lek stood up. "Sad about losing your power?" 

"No," Kylo said, "I was talking about you.” He flipped over Ap’lek with a grace a man his size shouldn't possess. “You're not going to live to regret turning on me." He pointed his lightsaber at the knight's back.

Rey was getting closer to the ground.

A second knight swung at Kylo with a large vibrocleaver. Rey's mouth dropped open. She hadn't noticed he was up. 

Kylo blocked the swing with his lightsaber, giving Ap’lek the opening he needed to get away. 

The third knight joined the fight.

Rey let go of the cliff and landed with a thud that wasn't loud enough for Kylo or any of the knights to hear. She took out her lightsaber and ran towards Kylo. 

"Even _if_ you manage to kill us, you're going to die today," the third knight said. "You're injured and more of us are coming.” His weapon was a club, but he wasn’t using it. “The First Order is coming." He reached for another weapon–

–and there was an explosion. 

◇◇◇

Rey's ears rang. She was far enough from the blast that it didn't knock her over, but the debris obstructed her vision. 

The moment the explosion hit, she stopped breathing, and reached out with the Force. Kylo's presence in the Force was _strong,_ so she felt a profound relief. Him not surviving wasn't something she had allowed herself to consider, but now it felt like a real possibility. 

_Too real._

Rey knew he survived the blast, but she didn’t know how injured he was. She listened to the Force for guidance. It told her where Kylo was, so she sprinted towards him. 

The debris started to clear, and she saw Kylo laying on the ground. She knelt next to him and put her hand on his chest to check his breathing when he opened his eyes and sat up. 

“I’m fine,” Kylo said, between coughs. “I got far enough away from the blast radius.” He stood unsteadily. "Ushar didn't use his usual baradium charges."

Rey's eyes widened. Some bounty hunters had baradium thermal detonators with a radius of up to twenty meters. She scanned him for injuries and saw mostly bruises until her eyes reached his thigh. There was a series of cuts that didn't look like they could have been caused by an explosion. 

Kylo looked down to see what she was looking at. “Ah,” he said, looking up at her, “that was from the plant.”

Before she could respond, the knights approached. Rey ignited her lightsaber, and Kylo ignited his. They stood with their backs to each other and faced the threat together. 

◇◇◇

The three knights surrounded them. Rey and Kylo were patient, waiting for the knights to make the first move. 

They must have seen Kylo as the bigger threat because Ap'lek and the knight with the vibrocleaver attacked him together. Even two-against-one, Kylo had the advantage. He didn't fight like he was injured. Kylo kept them back with a combination of blows from his lightsaber, Force pushes, and the occasional punch. 

That left her with the knight who set off the explosion. 

_Don't let Ushar get too close,_ Kylo said. _He usually carries more weapons than his club and explosives._

_Good to know,_ she said. 

Rey blocked the blow from Ushar's club and spun away. "This isn't a fair fight," she said.

Ushar advanced. "Scared, little girl?" he taunted. 

"I meant for you." Rey knocked him back with the Force. 

◇◇◇

Ushar would be out for a while, so Rey joined Kylo in fighting the other two knights. 

_I'll take Trudgen,_ Kylo said, blocking a swing from Trudgen's vibrocleaver. _You take Ap'lek. He's the one with the–_

_–ax,_ she finished for him, already advancing on the knight. Ap'lek was on the defensive. He was barely able to keep up with her strikes.

Ap'lek gasped. 

“Trudgen’s dead,” Kylo said, making the source of the knight's distress clear. 

_Good,_ Rey thought. She looked over and saw Kylo take his lightsaber out of Trudgen's stomach. Trudgen fell to the ground. 

“Who’s next?” Kylo asked. 

"I'm going to make it hurt when I kill you," Ap'lek promised, still on the defensive and showing signs of fatigue. "You will–"

Ap'lek's jumped away from the vine that jumped out at his side. 

The vine had five heads with many sharp looking teeth. Rey remembered what Kylo's thigh looked like and realized his injury could have been so much worse. 

Kylo pulled Rey away from the plant. 

She watched, tense, as Ap’lek chopped off two of the plant's heads and raced away.

◇◇◇

Ushar ran towards Rey and Kylo, but his movement drew the plant's attention. A head larger than the rest stood between them. 

Ushar's mouth dropped open. He swung his cub, but the plant easily knocked it out of his hands and took a bite out of Ushar. 

Rey winced. 

There wasn’t enough of him left to be alive. 

◇◇◇

_I'm not going to let us be killed by a plant,_ Rey thought, pulse racing. 

She looked at Kylo, and he nodded in agreement. 

He attacked the plant from its front, and she attacked it from its back. Working together like this reminded her of fighting the Praetorian Guard. Without words, instinctually knew what the other was going to do. 

◇◇◇

Rey's whole body ached from exertion. They did enough damage to scare off the plant for now, but Rey knew they needed to get out of there before the plant returned.

But first they had to deal with Ap'lek.

◇◇◇

Ap'lek didn't attack. Instead, he threw away his ax and went down onto his knees. 

Kylo stepped towards him, favouring his uninjured leg, blade ready. “What’s it going to be?” he asked, slightly out of breath.

Ap’lek put his hands over his head and stayed silent. 

Kylo stared at Ap'lek like he was weighing his options. 

Rey wondered what he was going to do. Would he kill an unarmed opponent? Rey didn't like the idea, but she didn't think they had a choice. Letting him live was too high risk, and they had nothing they could use to to bind a prisoner. They needed–

Ap'lek grabbed a knife – it must have been hidden on his back – and threw it at Kylo. 

Rey was the first to react. She froze the blade with the Force, and before Ap'lek could move out of the way, threw the blade back at him. 

The blade stabbed Ap'lek in the chest. 

Rey let out a huge breath. 

◇◇◇

_We_ _won,_ Kylo thought. 

Rey was by his side, and they won _together._

During the fight, Kylo hadn't used the pain in his thigh to draw on the dark side, but the adrenaline had masked _some_ of the pain. His wound was throbbing, and he knew it would become infected without treatment. 

Knees weak, Kylo stumbled back a step. 

Rey was at his side in an instant, steadying him. Then she did something unexpected: she hugged him.

Kylo gasped at the contact and wrapped his arms around her tightly. He felt her heart racing. "We need to get out of here." Kylo said, enjoying the feel of her in his arms. 

"Agreed," Rey said, leaning back and looking up at him. "We need to find Poe."

Kylo furrowed his brow. "Poe?"

Rey took out a comm and smiled. "He's getting us a ship," she explained. 

◇◇◇

Poe told Rey he found a ship, but needed more time to check for trackers. He asked them to meet him at the ship's hanger. 

Soon they would be off this planet. 

Part of him wondered if any of this was real. Could he be hallucinating? Did the plant poison him after all?

But then Rey smiled at him, and he knew this was real. His mind would never have conjured something so unbelievable – so _good_. Rey was really here. 

_But for how long?_ he asked himself.

◇◇◇

At the top of the cliff another knight – Vicrul – was waiting for them. Kylo ground his teeth. 

"Change of plans," Rey said into her comm. 

Time was running out. Even more knights and the First Order would arrive soon.

◇◇◇

Kylo admired the way Rey used her whole body to fight. Vicrul lunged with his scythe, and Rey knocked him off balance by kicking him in the stomach and elbowing him in the face. 

Rey retreated and Kylo attacked Vicrul from behind. Vicrul barely managed to pivot in time to block the lightsaber swinging at his head. 

The arrival of a light freighter distracted Vicrul. 

It gave Kylo the opening he needed to run the knight though. 

◇◇◇

Kylo followed Rey onto the light freighter Poe had stolen. It was nothing like the _Millenium Falcon._ The freighter was made up of clean lines and sharp edges. It was significantly smaller than the _Falcon,_ but also newer. It was a nice ship and the owner was likely to come after it. 

The boarding ramp closed. 

Rey laughed. "We made it," she said, smiling at him. 

Kylo's lips twitched I to a slight smile. "We did," he said, walking over to Rey and stumbling only a little. "You came for me."

Rey clasped his arm. "I couldn't leave you."

Kylo leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. What he found so difficult to say, he showed her. He put everything he was feeling – gratitude, relief, adoration – into the kiss. He didn't know how long he would have with her, and he didn't want to waste a moment.

She kissed him back with the same amount of passion and wrapped her arms around his neck, running one hand through his hair. 

This was where he was meant to be.

◇◇◇

Kylo lost track of time. All he knew was Rey. He lost himself to the softness of her lips, the press of her body against his, and the sounds she made. Her tongue brushed against his and he moaned. 

"I have a medkit," Poe said, causing his eyes to open. 

Rey backed away from him, and Kylo groaned at the loss of contact. He looked at Poe who was grinning at them. 

Poe tossed the medkit to Rey. "It doesn’t look like anyone is following us, but I'm going to jump to hyperspace a couple more times to be sure." He stared at Kylo. "Are we dropping you off somewhere or are you coming with us?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. 

"I…" Kylo trailed off, not knowing what to say. He glanced at Rey who was looking at Poe. Her face didn't give away what she was thinking. He hadn't considered going back to the Resistance, but if Rey–

"I'm good on my own," Poe said, saving him from answering. "You two should patch yourselves up and _talk_." He gave them a pointed look and then started walking back to the cockpit. 

"Wait," Kylo said, surprising himself. 

Poe stopped and slowly turned towards Kylo. 

Kylo felt Rey's eyes on him. "Thank you," Kylo said to Poe, "for helping."

Poe smiled. "You can thank me by proving I made the _right_ decision."

"I'll try," Kylo said. His throat felt dry. 

◇◇◇ 

Rey focused on tending to Kylo's wound. They had found a small lounge with a tacky green couch and a bar. He had initially wanted to patch her up first, but she pointed out that they needed to clean up his thigh before it got infected. She sat him down on the couch and got to work. 

In order to see what she was working with, Rey exposed the injury on Kylo's thigh by cutting some of the fabric off his pants. The scissors from the medkit had difficulty cutting the thick fabric of his pants, so she resorted to ripping them.

He gave her a look that made her blush. She could guess what He was thinking. He seemed okay with her ripping off his clothes. 

Kylo wasn't bleeding, and the cuts weren't as deep as she feared. She used a clean damp cloth to gently clean the area around the cuts. 

He winced when she got too close to one of the bigger bite marks. 

She apologized and continued cleaning. Rey looked through the medkit and didn't find any bacta patches big enough to cover everything, so she took out a few of the smaller patches. She glanced up at him and saw that his jaw was tense. She put the first bacta patch on the deepest cut. He kept himself from wincing, but he did suck in a breath when the patch touched his wound. 

Rey didn't comment on his reaction and applied another bacta patch. "Poe said we should talk," she prompted, wanting to hear what he was going to say. She put the last bacta patch on his thigh.

"He did," Kylo agreed.

Rey kept her eyes on his thigh. "Where do you want to go?" she asked, bracing herself for the answer. 

"I want to stay with you," he said softly.

Some tension left Rey's body. She stopped what she was doing and looked up at him. "Good," she said, swallowing, "I want you to stay with me." She sat next to him on the couch. "Where should we go?"

Kylo tilted his head. "I thought you'd want to go to the Resistance."

"I do," she said. The Resistance was important to her, and she believed in their cause, but she also believed in Kylo. He showed her that she was right about him – that there was still light in him – and she didn't want to _leave_ him. "But I want to stay with you more."

His mouth dropped open, and he looked stunned, like he had never considered that she would want him too.

Rey wanted him to know how important he was to her. "Nobody has ever known me the way you do" – Kylo opened his mouth to respond, but she pressed her finger against his lips – "and I have never known anyone the way I know you."

He swallowed. "The Resistance will be disappointed."

Rey shrugged. "They'll get over it," she said, knowing it wasn't entirely true, but not caring. This was something she needed to do for _herself._

"What if they didn't have to?" he asked, hesitantly.

Rey's heart sped up. "What do you mean?"

Kylo leaned towards her. "What if we went to the Resistance together?" he asked. 

Her eyes widened. "You're willing to go to the Resistance?" 

Kylo took her hands. "I don't know if there's a place for me there, but there's a place for you," he said without looking away, "and I don't want to take you away from your friends."

Rey leaned her head on his shoulder. "Thank you," she said, wanting to be close to him. 

Kylo brushed his lips against her forehead. "They won't be happy to see me."

"Then we'll leave," she said, squeezing his hands. "If it gets bad, we'll leave."

◇◇◇

After Rey was done with all of Kylo's wounds, he was adamant about checking hers. She was more bruised than anything, but there was one cut that he covered with a bacta patch. The gentle way he touched her caused her to shiver. His touch wasn't clinical. It felt good to have someone care for her in this way. 

◇◇◇

Rey should have informed Poe of their destination, but she didn't want to move away from Kylo. Every time she thought to leave his lips pressed against her, or her lips pressed against him. 

He was trailing his lips down her neck. 

"Kylo," she moaned. 

He stilled. 

"What is it?" she asked. 

He leaned back. "I'm no longer a Knight of Ren," he said, brushing his thumb against her lips. "You can call me Ben."

"Are you sure?" she asked. At one point this moment would have meant everything to her, but so much had changed. It no longer mattered to her what name he went by because Kylo Ren and Ben Solo were the same man. They always had been. 

He nodded. "When I took the name Kylo Ren, I tried to fully immerse myself in the dark side. I did horrible things, but the light side always tempted me."

"The light side was always part of you," Rey said, cupping his cheek. "Once I saw it, I couldn't hate you." She caressed his face with her thumb.

"When did you see it?" he asked, covering her hand with his. 

"The moment you took off your mask," she said, remembering how surprised he was that _he_ was the man behind the mask. 

His breath hitched. "That soon?" he asked, letting go of her hand. 

Rey lowered her hand from his face and took his hand in hers. "As soon as I saw your eyes, I knew." It made sense to her then, why he wore the mask. It was hard to be afraid of someone so human.

He pinched his brows together. "I thought you saw a monster when you looked at me."

"I wanted to," Rey admitted. "Seeing the Light in you – that was part of the reason I was so angry."

"The Light is part of me – I know that now – but the Dark is _also_ part of me," he said, squeezing her hand. 

"I know, and I think it's part of me too." Rey bit her lip. "Luke said I reminded him of you."

He shook his head. "You're _nothing_ like Kylo Ren."

"Maybe not," she agreed. "But I might be something like the man Ben Solo grows into." Rey leaned forward. "If that's what you _want_ to be called."

"It is." He nodded. "I want to learn who I am as Ben."

Rey gave him a soft kiss, her lips barely brushing his. "Ben," she said, kissing him more firmly. "I want to learn with you."


	11. Chapter 11

The cockpit of their stolen ship was small. The interior was a shiny chrome made even more bright by the two garish orange chairs. Whoever this ship belonged to either never used it or purchased it recently. Even the most fastidious owner wouldn't be able to keep a starship this pristine.

Ben motioned for Rey to sit in the only vacant chair, but she glared at him, looked at the wound on his thigh, and nodded to the chair. Sensing that she wouldn't give in, Ben sat down. 

It was a relief to be sitting. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, it was difficult to put weight on his injured leg. He had a high tolerance for pain, but his knees buckled from the stress of carrying his weight. 

Poe broke the silence. "Have you decided where you're going?"

Ben glanced at Rey, and she gave him an encouraging nod. "Back to the Resistance."

"Your mom will be happy to see you," Poe said, clapping him on the shoulder.

Rey leaned on the back of Ben's chair. "How are we going to find them?" she asked. 

"Leia gave me this." Poe pulled out a small beacon that emitted a blue light. 

"I don't know how we would have escaped or found the Resistance again without you," Rey said. "Thank you."

"I wasn't going to be much help against the Knights of Ren, but thinking on my feet and planning was something I could do," Poe said. 

"Do you know how far away we are?" Ben asked.

"Not from this." Poe gestured with the beacon. "But I have a good idea of where they would go next. Leia and I had a plan for our next stop after Iego. If I'm right, we should be about four or five hours out."

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He had agreed to go to the Resistance, but having a timeframe made it feel more real. Being among them as an enemy with a temporary truce was different than joining them. He hadn't discussed his potential role in the Resistance with Rey, but he knew he had to be actively involved. As a high profile enemy of the First Order, his presence made them an even bigger target. 

And his mom was incredibly _persuasive._ (She once convinced a senator to co-sponsor a bill his biggest donor was against. It hadn't even been difficult for her. He remembered her talking about getting the senator on board, and her assistant laughed in disbelief at the idea of him voting in favour of the bill. After one lunch, he became the bill's biggest advocate.)

"How many Knights of Ren are left?" Poe asked.

"Only two," Ben answered, thinking of the surviving knights. "But they'll recruit. Kuruk prefers to be on his own, so Cardo will likely be their next leader."

Rey exhaled. "Something for us to deal with later."

_Us,_ Ben thought, feeling a lightness in his chest. She could have been referring to the Resistance as a whole, but the Knights of Ren were Force users, so it was more likely that she meant the two of them. He liked the idea of _us._

"You both look dead on your feet, and I'm fine here." Poe said. "Why don't you get some rest?"

Ben was exhausted. He wondered how rough he looked. Based on the look Poe gave him, he guessed it was pretty bad. 

Rey nodded. "Let us know if you need a break. One of us can pilot."

Ben stood up slowly. His leg had stiffened up while he was sitting.

"It's going to be busy when we find the Resistance. Make sure you actually get some _sleep,"_ Poe said with a smirk. 

Ben's eyes widened when he realized what Poe was insinuating. For the first time he wondered how much Poe knew and for how long.

Rey's face reddened. "Oh, we _will."_

Ben felt a flutter in his chest. Sleep was no longer at the front of his mind.

◇◇◇

To the right of the lounge they were in earlier, they found the captain's quarters. It was a small room with a bed and an attached refresher. 

"You can rest here," Ben said. "I'll find somewhere else." He went to the door.

Rey grabbed his arm. "Don't be silly. It'll be a tight fit, but we can share."

"We can share," Ben agreed. He took off his shoes and laid down on the bed, taking the side against the wall. There wasn't much space left for Rey. The bed hadn't been made for a man Ben's size. 

Rey figured it out. She laid on her side and placed her head on Ben's chest. "Is this okay?"

Ben swallowed. "Yes," he said, looking down at her. 

Rey nuzzled into his chest and ran her fingers lightly over the back of his wrist.

Ben turned his hand over and took hers in his. He heard her let out a contented sigh. "This is good," he said, holding back a yawn. 

"Get some rest," she said softly, "I'll be here when you wake up."

He closed his eyes and let himself relax. He felt the weight of Rey against him and let the sound of her breathing lull him to sleep. 

◇◇◇

When Ben woke up, he realized they had shifted in their sleep. 

Rey was resting against his shoulder, her breath tickling his ears, and she had her arm wrapped around him in an embrace. One of his hands rested on the small of her back, and the other cupped the back of her head. 

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he fell asleep or how long he had been looking at her since he woke up. Ben felt Rey shifting. 

"Are you awake?" she asked in a quiet voice. 

"Yes."

"I don't want to get up yet," Rey said, nuzzling into his neck. "I'm comfortable."

"Me too." He ran his fingers through her hair. 

"I think we have some time,” she said. “Poe would have told us if we were landing soon."

Ben made a sound of agreement.

"You're awfully quiet," Rey said more like a question than a statement. 

Ben stilled. "I'm afraid I'll say something wrong," he admitted. 

Rey snorted. "It wouldn't be the first time." She pushed up onto her forearm and gave him a serious look. "But don't let that stop you from sharing what you’re thinking. You won’t scare me off.”

“This doesn’t feel real. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up and find out this was all a dream – that you’ll be gone,” he said. 

“I’m here,” she said, brushing her lips against his. “This is real.” 

Ben pressed his lips against hers, more firmly this time, but there was nothing hurried about it. They explored each other’s lips languorously, pausing occasionally to look at each other, and then they lost themselves in their kiss. 

He felt content in a way that was unfamiliar to him. While there was a voice in his head that told him he was going to make a mistake and lose her, Rey had a way of quieting that voice. Her steadiness helped steady him. 

For all that they had done together, they had never taken the time to fully explore one another. Ben wanted to have time to map out every freckle and every scar. He wanted to know all of her. 

But he had a hard time believing that was possible. She told him that he wouldn’t scare her off – that she would leave the Resistance with him if things didn’t go well. Her assurances, as honest as he knew they were, didn’t fully ease his anxiety. He wasn’t used to having good things happen to him, and Rey wanting to be with him – in any capacity – was the best experience of his life. 

Rey ghosted her lips down his cheek and across his jaw. “You’re thinking too much,” she said into his ear, her breath hot against his skin. 

“I can’t help it,” he said, leaning into her. 

“Then tell me what’s on your mind,” she said.

“I want this to last.” Ben cupped her cheek. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I want you too. I care about you,” she said. 

His heart squeezed. “That’s the part I have trouble believing. Nobody has ever wanted me – _cared_ about me – the way you have.”

“Can I show you how much I want you?” she asked, her voice raspy. 

_“Yes,”_ he said, swallowing. 

◇◇◇

Everything blurred together – the way Rey ran her hands down his chest – how she paused at his pants and looked up for permission – the way she undid the button of his pants and pushed them down, careful not to disturb the wound on his thigh. Their time was limited, so they didn’t get fully undressed. Rey took off her leggings and underwear, leaving on her tunic. 

Ben skimmed the back of his fingers up her thigh, enjoying the way her breath caught. He avoided her bruises – one larger and more painful looking than the rest – as he touched her smooth skin.

He was already hard when she stroked his cock. The touch of her hand against him left him light-headed. His attention was on her face, taking in her every expression. He moved his hand further up her thigh and grazed her lips with his fingers, feeling that she was already wet. 

Rey’s mouth opened with a gasp. 

Ben tried to sit up so that he would have a better angle to touch her, but the movement jostled his thigh, causing him to wince. 

Rey pushed his chest lightly until he was laying down. “I have an idea,” she said straddling him, the base of her pelvis against his cock. “How’s this?”

“Good,” he groaned. 

She lifted her hips and slid her slit against his cock. The friction from this alone was intoxicating. He swallowed hard. 

Making eye contact with him, she lined up his cock with her enerance and sunk down slowly. 

Ben choked. He would never get tired of this feeling. Being inside her was a sensation unlike anything else he had ever known. He grasped her hips, and tried not to move. 

When she was fully seated, she moaned. She took a moment to adjust, and then she began to move, setting an almost excruciatingly slow pace. She looked so beautiful like this.

He groaned. _“Rey,”_ he said. 

Her movements sped up, and he pulled her hips down harder, causing her to mewle from pleasure. She looked flushed. Rey brought her hand to her clit, rubbing it in circles, while she rode him, and she picked up her pace. She was panting. 

_“Yes,”_ Ben moaned, digging his nails into her hips. Blood was roaring in his ears. 

Rey clenched around him, somehow feeling even tighter, and he made a strangled sound. 

Through their bond, he felt that she was reaching her peak. Her legs started shaking, and then she cried out.

Time slowed and and everything splintered

◇◇◇

Rey nuzzled into Ben’s warmth, and he wrapped his arms around her and sighed. 

“I'm not leaving you,” she said, wanting him to believe her. 

He kissed the top of her head. “Neither am I.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, overwhelmed by the emotion those words caused. It felt so good not to be alone. 

◇◇◇

Rey must have fallen asleep again because she startled at the sound of a knock at the door. 

“We’re landing soon,” Poe called out. “You’re going to want to make sure you are presentable.”

She looked up at Ben and saw that he was awake. Rey reluctantly sat up. 

◇◇◇

After cleaning up as best they could, Rey looked through the clothes in the captain’s quarters to see if there were any pants that would fit Ben because his pants had a sizable rip. Unfortunately, everything looked too small. 

He shrugged in response and told her it didn’t matter. 

She had been restless since she learned they were landing soon. Rey didn’t know what to expect when they arrived. 

◇◇◇

Rey’s first impression of Ajan Kloss was that it was so _green._ Her second was that it was warm and humid. They arrived at a small landing zone in the jungle, and they hadn’t attracted too much attention yet. 

She stayed close to Ben, looking for signs of distress, but the tightness of his jaw was the only visible sign of his nerves. 

Leia was the first person to greet them. “Let’s go talk,” she said to Ben, her tone warm. There was a slight smile on her face. 

Ben inhaled sharply. “That’s a good idea,” he agreed. 

“We won’t be gone long,” Leia said. 

Rey felt some relief at Leia’s words. She wasn’t ready to let Ben out of her sight for too long. 

Rey watched Leia lead Ben into a nearby cave. 

◇◇◇

Poe and Rey were greeted by Finn, Rose, and Kaydel. Poe left soon after to get some rest. He hadn’t slept at all on the journey over. She had thought he would get her or Ben if he needed a break, but they should have checked on him. 

Her friends led her to a place they could sit together. They were still outside, but they were close enough to the cave’s entrance that she would see Ben when he left. 

Finn had brought her food, which she dug into immediately. She explained what happened between bites of food. They hung on her every word as she described the fight with the Knights of Ren. 

Rose kept interrupting with questions about their weapons. Rey wouldn’t be surprised if she made herself a customized weapon. She was fascinated with how each weapon worked. 

Finn did not want to go back to Iego after hearing her describe the plant. He did not think plants should be able to eat people. 

She kept her explanation of Ben’s decision to join them vague. That was his story to tell. 

“I’m not _that_ surprised,” Kaydel said when Rey finished talking. 

Finn gaped at her. "I am," he said. 

"Really?" Rose asked, raising her eyebrows. "Even after learning about their bond?"

“Yes,” Finn said, sounding defensive.

“I was surprised too,” Rey said. She wondered why Rose and Kaydel were so unfazed. 

“I can't believe Poe was _right,”_ Kaydel said, shaking her head. 

Rey looked at her. “What was he right about?” she asked, pinching her brows together. 

“We had a bet,” Kaydel explained. 

Finn laughed. “What was the bet?”

Rey wasn’t sure how she felt about anyone betting on her and Ben, but she was curious to learn more. 

“I thought whatever was going on with Rey and _Ben,”_ she said, over pronouncing his name, still getting used to using it, “would end in disaster.”

“Understandable.” Rose leaned forward. “What did Poe think?” 

“Poe thought he would end up joining us,” Kaydel said. 

Finn laughed. “I hope you didn’t lose too much money.”

Kaydel winced. 

“What made Poe think he would join us?” Rey asked.

“I don't know,” Kaydel said, shrugging. “I never told him about the kiss I saw on the first day.”

Finn and Rose stared at Rey. 

She felt herself blush.

◇◇◇

His mom led him into the command centre. They found a private, but well lit corner of the cave.

“I don’t know what I believe in,” Ben said, breaking their silence. 

“You're here for Rey,” his mom said. 

"Not just Rey,” Ben said, shaking his head. “If anything happened to you, I don't know what I would have done.” He swallowed. It was so difficult to find the right words. “Mom, I…" he trailed off. 

"I know,” she said, touching his arm. “I love you."

Ben closed his eyes. "I don't understand how you can after everything I've done."

“I will always love you,” his mom said confidently.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. 

"For so long,” she continued, “the thought of seeing you again was a distant dream. Having you travel with us was a balm to my heart. Having you here is better than any possibility I allowed myself to hope for.”

Ben never thought he would be here – not only with the Resistance – but with his _mom._ He had thought killing his dad ended the possibility of reconciliation. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” he said. 

“All I want is the chance to get to know you,” his mom said, looking him in the eye. 

“I want that too,” Ben said. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted that until he said the words. 

◇◇◇

Ben shared First Order secrets with his mom for the first time. It was only a small fraction of what he knew – there would be time for more later – but it was the information that would help the Resistance survive to fight another day. 

He told her about potential allies – enemies who wanted to see the First Order destroyed who he thought would be willing to work with the Resistance – stormtroopers who weren’t as conditioned to follow orders as the First Order hoped – and reluctant allies of the First Order. 

Once he started, he found it difficult to stop. He wanted to tell her more of the mistakes the First Order made, but she stopped him. 

“We can continue this tomorrow,” his mom said. “We’re safe for now, and it will take us some time to use the information you have already given us.”

◇◇◇

Ben found Rey laughing with her friends. He smiled at the sight. 

He didn’t know how to act with her around others – it wasn’t something they had discussed – but as soon as she saw him, she grabbed his hand, and had him sit next to her. Once they were sitting, she didn’t let go of his hand. 

None of her friends looked surprised. They weren’t particularly warm towards him, but they weren’t hostile either, which was much better than he expected. 

“I hear you're going by Ben now,” Finn said, the first of Rey’s friends to speak to him. “I started calling myself Finn after I left the First Order.”

“I’m no longer a Knight of Ren,” Ben said. 

“Do you think anyone else will defect from the First Order and join us?” Finn asked.

Ben nodded. “You started something,” he said, “and you weren’t the first stormtrooper to leave the First Order.”

Finn’s eyes widened. “I wasn’t?”

“No, but you were the first they weren’t able to cover up,” Ben explained.

Finn started talking with Rose and Kaydel about the ideas he had for the stormtroopers. He sounded hopeful that they could find other former stormtroopers, and that they might be able to help more stormtroopers defect. 

Rey nudged Ben’s arm with her elbow and smiled at him. He smiled back. 

◇◇◇

It didn’t take long for his mom to join them. 

He expected her to have more questions for him about the First Order, but she surprised him by addressing the group. 

“Take tonight off,” his mom said, smiling. “Rebuilding will take a lot of work, but it can wait until tomorrow.”

◇◇◇

Later that night, once they were alone, Ben cupped Rey’s face and kissed her. “You were right,” he said, lips hovering in front of hers. 

“About what?” she asked, tilting her chin up. 

“You were right that I would turn,” he said, thinking about how confident she had been. 

She smiled. “It feels good to be right.” She brushed her lips against his. “How does it feel to be here?” 

“It feels right,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This was so much fun to write.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a regular update schedule planned for this fic, but it's fun to write and should be shorter than my other wip.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


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